Lester: A user’s guide to campus restrooms

Kerry Lester

Living in an apartment for the first time has acquainted me with the fact that bathrooms are not simply cleaned with the wave of a magic wand (unless you’re Mr. Clean).

Between the Windex, the Comet and the bleach, way more goes into maintaining that favorite spot to read than I originally thought.

This comes on top of hustling from class to class in the late summer heat while guzzling massive amounts of Pepsi products.

I now fully appreciate what Villanova’s various restrooms have to offer.

Restaurant critics often use a five star system to evaluate a bistro’s food, bread and circuses. Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert became notorious movie critics years ago by giving “two thumbs up” to an outstanding film. Along the same lines, I have developed a “flush” system among ‘Nova’s bathroom facilities.

One flush is the weakest score a john can get, two or three flushes is acceptable, four flushes denotes an above par location and five flushes are reserved only for the most regal facilities. Just think, if a member of royalty came to campus for a day, just where would he be sent to go?

Here are a few pointers that should aid in your choice of just where to direct nature to go when it calls.

— Corr Hall’s Career Services Office: Five flushes. I was in the Corr Career Services bathroom for the first time last week. Ivy-stenciled borders on the walls, clean floors, nice lighting and plenty of mirrors make this a trip to remember. Feeling a little gross after a long day? Spritz on some of the body mists often left on the counters by unknown benefactors.

— Bartley Hall: Four flushes.While its restrooms are some of the most frequented on campus, Bartley gets four flushes for its cleanliness and efficiency. Walk in to a dark bathroom? No worries, the lights automatically adjust for you.

— Tolentine Hall: Two flushes.Let’s face it: Each floor of Tolentine has a one single stall bathroom, rushed by professors and students before and after every lecture. When it rains, the ceilings often leak. If you’re in a hurry, just wait … you’ll save time and feel much cleaner if you skip it.

— White Hall: Four flushes.This is one “suite” deal, if you know what I mean. The White Hall’s ladies bathroom has two rooms, one with a couch. ‘Nova girls have been known to camp out on it and study between lectures.

— Falvey Memorial Library: Two flushes.When you’re writing a 10-page paper or cramming for an exam, the last thing you want to do is hold it. But Falvey’s facilities leaving something to be desired, especially as the end of the semester nears. Soap and paper towels become rare and precious commodities. What’s more, there are little trap doors behind each toilet. Don’t worry, they’re locked. Good thing: the third floor men’s room claims “There’s a dead body in here. Call the police!”

— Sheehan Hall: One flush. Sheehan could have the scrubbing bubbles singing away from morning until night, but it simply wouldn’t do any good. Just too many binge-drinking, party-loving sophomores and freshmen pass through the Quad for the bathrooms to remain clean. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, your shoes stick to the floor on a weekend late-night trip.

Potty language? Maybe so…

Just remember: now you too have the facts for when you’ve got to go.