♒ Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19) 

You are sad about not having a Valentine. Just remember, no one loves you on any other day of the year either.

 

♓ Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20)

2009 called, “Jersey Shore” wants their dance moves back.  

 

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Drink a milkshake. Watch as all the boys come to your yard. 

 

♉ Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

We get it, you vape.

 

♊ Gemini (May 22 – June 22)

You have a ticket to the next Wells Fargo game. Give it to me. Trust me. 

 

♋ Cancer (June 23 – July 23)

You’re going to post a picture of you and your dog on Instagram for Valentines Day. Don’t. 

 

♌ Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)

Venus is pulling you to tell your crush you like them. Venus is also voting for Donald Trump. 

 

♍ Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

You’ve been considering getting a new piercing. The stars have aligned in your favor. Your Mom has not. 

 

♎ Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

Tell the guy who delivers your takeout this weekend that you love him. Let me know what happens. 

 

♏ Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) 

You will meet your Valentine at The Courts. He/she will not text you the next day. 

 

♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Revamp @NovaMakeout. You will receive a lot of good karma. 

 

♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

You will embarrass yourself in front of the basketball team this week. You will be tweeted about.