♒ Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)
You are sad about not having a Valentine. Just remember, no one loves you on any other day of the year either.
♓ Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20)
2009 called, “Jersey Shore” wants their dance moves back.
♈ Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Drink a milkshake. Watch as all the boys come to your yard.
♉ Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
We get it, you vape.
♊ Gemini (May 22 – June 22)
You have a ticket to the next Wells Fargo game. Give it to me. Trust me.
♋ Cancer (June 23 – July 23)
You’re going to post a picture of you and your dog on Instagram for Valentines Day. Don’t.
♌ Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)
Venus is pulling you to tell your crush you like them. Venus is also voting for Donald Trump.
♍ Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)
You’ve been considering getting a new piercing. The stars have aligned in your favor. Your Mom has not.
♎ Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)
Tell the guy who delivers your takeout this weekend that you love him. Let me know what happens.
♏ Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
You will meet your Valentine at The Courts. He/she will not text you the next day.
♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
Revamp @NovaMakeout. You will receive a lot of good karma.
♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)
You will embarrass yourself in front of the basketball team this week. You will be tweeted about.