Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21

You are a catch, Scorpio. And a throw.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21

Aw, Sagittarius. There’s always next year.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19

All the answers to life’s questions lie in one guy’s bio on Tinder. Too bad you swiped left on him before reading it.

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18

The universe and everything in it has been recurring and will continue to recur infinitely through time and space. Tell that to your professor next time they try to give you a “deadline.”

Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20

Someone will require open-heart surgery on SEPTA this Halloween, and will mistake you for a doctor because of your costume (you dressed up as a chef, so I don’t know why, but we’ll give them a break because of the heart thing). Should you do it? Think about that before you go out.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

The stars are aligning for ya this week, Aries. Literally. Like constellations are actually moving to become straight lines for you.

Taurus Apr 20 – May 20

What do you get when you breed an elephant and a rhino? See Gemini.

Gemini May 21 – Jun 20

El-eph-ino! (Don’t breed rhinos with elephants. Rhinos are endangered and that mix breed would be infertile! Unless they are in love!)

Cancer Jun 21 – Jul 22

What are you being for Halloween? I want to make sure we don’t go as the same thing. 

Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22

Appreciate when someone opens the door for you. It’s going to be that kind of week. :/

Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22

Children of the Corn on the Cob. Now there’s a movie I’d like to see.

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22

Eject yourself into space this week, Libra. It’s the only way to fully avoid all your problems.