Murphy’s Corner: health center constructed in wrong spot

John Murphy

After spending millions of dollars and countless hours on the completion of the new health center, Villanova officials finally made their way over to check out their new facility. Upon arrival, the officials informed the builders that they should have been building in the middle of the Quad. Those in charge were also disappointed at how much the new building failed to resemble the giant golf ball in Epcot Center. They claimed that golf balls are good for morale and encourage good work habits … especially giant ones with informative, yet fun rides inside. At the ensuing press conference, these officials made it known that no one person would be held accountable for this blunder, but several people will most definitely lose their jobs as a result. The following is a tentative list of people that the officials would like to condemn: Stan Hooper, “Mike,” Chuck the Chainsaw Man, “Steve,” Pat Flaherty’s Hat-maker, Philip the hyper-hypo, Santa Clause (The “Grammar Santa” – not the Tim Allen one) and Bill Gates.

The Villanova officials went on to clarify this list: “Not all of these gentlemen were involved in the little mishap. We just wanted to take this opportunity to say that we see what you guys have been doing with your lives and we don’t like it. (We’re looking at you, Grammar Santa). So anyway, we felt that a mere job termination isn’t quite permanent enough. We took it upon ourselves to banish these guys to an eternity in Hades. It’s only fair.”

Those on the “Banished List” seemed to take it rather well. Most of them didn’t seem to know where Hades was, but expressed the hope that it would be nice during the winter. The one person that took it particularly hard was Grammar Santa. He has been fighting a losing battle for years with the “Schoolhouse Rock” cartoons and is a broken man as a result. He tours the country with his “Dear Raine” Letters. These are humorous letters designed to teach kids proper grammar and diction. His crap ain’t working because the majority of the youth of this country is remedial anyway. (We’re looking at you, Chuck the Chainsaw Man – why did you have to cut me?) Grammar Santa released the following statement: “My condemnation is a travesty. My line of work is just. If atonement is not granted, then my revenge is a must.” He then sped off in his “sleigh” (a metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark). After remarks like that, there will surely be some semi-coal in his stocking this Christmas.

After their press conference, the officials met to see what they would do about the misplaced building. Their conclusion: Nothing. After a three-hour meeting and a best of 41 rock-paper-scissors showdown, those in charge concluded that the building was better off across the street from the Pavilion instead of the planned location. “It looks prettier over here,” they said. Most “Banished List” names were removed.

A rowdy and thermodynamically-challenged group of mechanical engineers were planning a peaceful march near the new health center. After a long debate about the stress created by the march, the “Mech E’s Against Inertia” just decided to polish a brass symbol outside Tolentine for seven hours.