Almost Posh kidnapping echos the disappearance of other careers

Paul Benedict

Recent plans to kidnap Victoria Beckham, better known as Posh Spice, for an alleged $7.5 million were foiled by police authorities in London. Sounds like pretty serious news, but did you even know about it? Not many people did, though you would hope a pop star’s kidnapping would draw national attention, right? This raises the question: if a celebrity disappears, and no one seems to notice … does anyone actually care? The following is a list of “missing” celebrities and their kidnapping profiles.

Subject: Alicia SilverstoneLast known whereabouts: Receiving the Plain English Campaign’s “Foot in the Mouth Award” in Dec. 2002 for the following statement made during an interview. “I think that ‘Clueless’ was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it is true lightness.”Odds of being found: Fair. Where there’s a washed-up movie star with a hot body around, there’s a B-movie role to be played.Next probable press clipping: Hitting newsstands in July ’06: “former ‘Clueless’ star Alicia Silverstone bares all.”

Subject: Sylvester StalloneLast known whereabouts: Attempting to resurrect the career of Rocky Balboa, which would resurrect the career of Sylvester Stallone.Odds of being found: Doubtful. Rocky + Comeback Again? = Help Us All.Next probable press clipping: “Rocky VI bombs; Stallone heads back to porn industry.”

Subject: MC HammerLast known whereabouts: Going bankrupt and becoming a reverend in 1996 after assuming he had built a steady music career. Looks like “we’ve got to pray just to find him today.”Odds of being found: Very slim. Apparently Hammer isn’t “too legit to quit” the music business. Next probable press clipping: “Giambi? Damon? Isringhausen? Howe? No need to worry Oakland fans, M.C. Hammer is back as A’s bat boy.”

Subject: Dennis RodmanLast known whereabouts: A cameo in this summer’s classic, “Undercover Brother.”Odds of being found: Excellent. “The Worm” has a way of wiggling into tabloids, whether it’s by selling alcohol after hours at his restaurant or dressing up in drag and scaring the hell out of the world.Next probable press clipping: “Rodman gets hammered and ties the knot with yet another babe; divorce date set for next week.”

Subject: Mariah CareyLast known whereabouts: Rumor has it she’s been promoting a new album to come out in December, but no one really gives a damn.Odds of being found: Good. Where there’s a washed-up music star with a hot body around, there are sub-par albums to be recorded.Next Probable Press Clipping: “Spurned by Jeter and Eminem, Carey has mental breakdown and weds Dennis Rodman”

Subject: HansonLast known whereabouts: This summer middle brother Taylor (the one that most looks like a girl) tied the knot with his teenage girlfriend. As for the other two, big brother Isaac was last seen combing his hair and going to his first keg party, and little brother Zachary was staying low-key while dealing with the rigors of puberty.Odds of being found: About as good as the chance as me listening to “Mmm Bop” ever again.Next Probable Press Clipping: “In a recent Rolling Stone poll, ‘Mmm Bop’ was voted as the worst No. 1 hit ever.

Subject: Robert Downey, Jr.Last known whereabouts: Recently dismissed from drug charges.Odds of being found: Excellent. Just keep your eye on the police blotter.Next probable press clipping: “A male actor was arrested by Los Angeles Police Department and relieved of unspecified amounts of drugs and drug paraphernalia. Matter under investigation. ”