Murphy’s Corner: Raelians achieve cloning

John Murphy

fore war with Iraq dominated the teleision airwaves, a French cult enjoyed some publicity when they announced the first successful cloning of a human. Well, those crazy Raelians are at it again. Not only were they the first to clone a human but they have also produced the first clone of a clone.

Not ones to rest on their laurels, the Raelians have also been doing research to speed up the growth process. The best proof is proof that you can see. The French cult decided the best way to prove they had made an actual clone would be to expedite the growth process, thus having a life-sized double of the original. The parents of the first clone wanted their baby brought up naturally so it would be years before they could prove if the process had actually worked. But in the case of the cloned clone, the Raelians took some initiative. They pumped the fetus full of a growth hormone. This hormone was not supposed to work until after birth, but it quickly became clear that something was causing the baby to develop fast. At the time of his birth, the “baby” was a 95-pound malnourished man with a six-week-old beard and a mouth like a sailor. His first word was deemed unprintable by the editors of this paper but you can imagine how eloquently it summed up the shocking nature of childbirth.

Obviously, the purpose of the growth hormone was to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that this new person was just a facsimile of an original. In this case, the original turned out to be none other than television’s Alan Thicke. Thicke, who first saw fame as the dad on “Growing Pains” and later as a talk show host on the short-lived “Hope and Gloria,” was as surprised as anyone. Said Thicke, “I’ve always had this dream of coaching and choreographing my very own synchronized swim team. Thanks to the Raelians, I will also get to coach a team comprised entirely of high-quality, grade A Thicke. These are very exciting times indeed.”

The selection of Alan Thicke as the first person to be cloned was kept secret from the whole world; most of the Raelians had no idea who was going to come out of the womb. “We had a pool going,” said one cult member. “I was sure it was going to be Michael Dukakis, but you can’t win ’em all I guess.” Among the other possible clonees was Frank Stallone, Beau or Jeff Bridges, Ted Nugent, Kevin Smith, Wanda Sykes and the guy played T-1000 in “Terminator 2.”

The winner of the pool was cult member Dale. Dale had this to say: “Man I knew it all along. I was so sure it was gonna be Alan Thicke I would’ve put my Raelian Membership card on the line.” Dale’s gamble paid off and now the world is a better place as a result.

Leader of the Raelian movement Rael discussed why Alan Thicke was the ideal candidate to be cloned: “His charming good looks and undisputable marketability were definitely taken into account when making our selection. We also felt that Thicke possessed some intangible quality rarely found in humans. Alan had it. Kevin Smith didn’t. It’s as simple as that.” Kevin Smith was reached for comment on the matter, but he felt it better to just keep his mouth shut. Silence was probably his wisest option.

The contents of this article were fabricated for your reading enjoyment.