The mysterious logic behind the NFL

Chris Duprau

I am baffled and befuddled after watching the games that occurred last week.

How are the Jag 3-0 and the Chiefs 0-3? And can anyone explain how Mike Martz still has a coaching job? Thanks to the mysteroius workings of the NFL world, I haven’t been this confused since “The Matrix Reloaded.”

The Jacksonville Jaguars being 3-0 is more shocking than when Joey got with Pacey on “Dawson’s Creek.” (And don’t deny that you watched “Dawson’s Creek;” everyone did.) Last week they actually beat what was supposed to be a very good Titans team. Jack Del Rio has put together a team that thus far rivals some of the best defensive teams in recent memory. But, I have never seen a defense this good with an offense this bad. Even the Ravens’ offense of ’00 had a couple spark plugs. The Jags have a young quarterback with an aging wide receiver and a running back, Fred Taylor, with a groin which my mentor, Bill Simmons, calls, “the most unreliable body part in the NFL.” If they beat the Colts this week, then I, like the Monkees, am a believer.

The Chiefs need to change their team song from “Hail to the Chiefs” to “Bail on the Chiefs.” Everyone who had them going somewhere needs to jump ship now and hope no one calls you on your early season statements about them. They’re sinking faster than the ratings for “The Drew Carey Show.” Yes, the injury bug has bit them, but the coaching and management of this team is moronic. Dick Vermeil used a timeout at just the right time on Sunday to give the Texans an opportunity to tie the game. The only problem with that, of course, is that he coaches the Chiefs. I would also like to know what genius came up with the idea that the Chiefs simply needed a new defensive coordinator rather than new defensive players. If you look at the Chiefs upcoming schedule, it is probably the hardest in the NFL. So, for all you Chief supporters still out there, I’m telling you now: abandon ship.

[Cue music to “Welcome Back Kotter.”]

Welcome back, Mr. Kurt Warner! It’s been a long and painful road for him the past two years, but the man has finally returned with a vengeance. He’s throwing to New York Giant receivers like he’s been doing it for years. Everyone, including myself, thought that signing Kurt Warner was a bad, and I mean bad, idea, but the Giants are three weeks into the season, and his throwing is fantastic. Although it is still early, with the way the o-line has been holding up for him, Warner is well on his way to resurrecting his career, which everyone pretty much thought was six feet under last year. Welcome back, Kurt, welcome back.

Ladies and gentlemen let’s give it up for the Mud Bowl. The Dolphins and Steelers played in a hurricane, and I think that is great. That’s football. That’s the kind of weather you used to love playing in as a kid. Some of the players complained and to be honest, I was surprised the NFL didn’t move the game to Monday (further proof that this league makes no sense), but it was a fun game to watch. The only way the game could have been better would have been if they made it so the ground could cause a fumble. Last time I played a game in the rain like that, my friend Scott Chard set an unofficial record of nine fumbles. Good times. Great football.

Way to go, Mike Bartrum! Despite being flagged 15 yards for excessive celebration, his long nap through the legs after he scored was tremendous. The NFL has cut down on celebrations because apparently they take away from the game or something ridiculous like that. Bartrum was not taunting anyone; he was just letting out some excitement. If the backwards league would just remove the large stick they have inside them, perhaps they’d realize that not all celebration is bad. Rock on, Bartrum.

Mike Martz is an idiot. He is also an NFL head coach. Last week against one of the worst rushing defenses in the league, the Saints, Martz passed the ball 55 times and ran it 15. Those are the actual numbers. It boggles the mind. It’s like throwing all fastballs to a fastball hitter even though you know he can’t hit a curve. When asked about this, Martz replied, “That’s how we play, fast and furious.” You can’t make up a quote like that. Martz’ ego is so big that it has its own zip code and unfortunately, for the Rams, I don’t see him leaving town any time soon.

Now for the picks. Once again I was perfect last week, improving my record to 6.5-.5. I’m making an early run at the ’72 Dolphins, but let’s not go crazy yet.

It’s a tough week for picks, but let’s start off with the ‘Skins over the Browns. Cleveland has no offense, and Washington has a good defense. This game has a 17-6 feeling all over it. I love the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets to move to 3-0 with a win over the hapless Dolphins. Dave Wannstedt’s mustache may come off before they have a win. Finally, the bet of the week is the Broncos over the Bucs. Denver is giving three to Tampa, and even though Tampa is home, they are just really, really bad.

Right now the picture in the NLF is blurry, but hopefully, after this week, it will become a little bit clearer for us.