A Future of Joy, Pain, and One Long New Years Eve

Chris DuPrau

Let me first say that I do love and appreciate all my readers. You guys are great, and I often get some really good feedback from all 12 of you. However, you all dropped the ball this week. In my last article I asked for so questions for Big Dupes to answer. Total emails received = 0. I mean I thought for sure I’d get a couple, but no, zero zilch nada.

Therefore I was forced to bust out my old crystal ball, give it a good dusting and attempt to see the future for sports in the next year. It was tough to read and jumped all over the place, but I feel I learned enough to write a semi-truthful, somewhat interesting and as always hilarious column.

I begin in the world of the NBA. It is going to be a exciting playoffs with no sweeps and numerous seven game series. The highlight will be though when Indian meets with Miami. I can’t tell you what round, but it will happen.

With the Heat up 3-1 in the series Pacers President and Basketball Jesus Larry Bird realizes the only way his team can win is to take out Shaq. Through Jason Giambi, Bird gets a hold of some Human Growth Hormone and injects it into a already insane Ron Artest.

Sometime during game five Artest who snuck into the building will burst onto the court and make a b-line for Shaq. The crowd screams, David Stern faints and most Miami Heat players run for their life. Except Shaq who begins busting out the moves from his Sega game “Shaq Fu” and absolutely destroys Ron Artest. Heat win the series in five and all I can say is TIVO Shaq’s post game comments, cause they will be tremendous.

In baseball, a dramatic World Series consisting of the Pedro Martinez led Mets and the Curt Schilling lead Red Sox. After six games, which had everything from a game winning Homer by Carlos Beltran,to a foul ball off the bat of Trot Nixon knocking Jimmy Fallon into a coma. The final and decisive game will be Pedro vs Curt for the whole enchilada.

Amiss cheers of “Who’s your Daddy” by the Fenway faithful Pedro throws a historic 21 strikeout one hitter and Mike Piazza in his final game as a Met hit the game winning Homer in the 5th as the Mets win the World Series 1-0. Following the game Pedro states the curse of the Bambino was nothing and that the curse of Pedro will last twice as long. Boston fans prepare to win their next series in 2177.

In the NFL to say the least all hell breaks loose. While sleeping Peyton Manning unknowingly has his throwing arm switched with that of his brothers Eli. The Giants become the most prolific offensive team in the league while the Colts fall to mediocrity.

The Arizona Cardinals manage to build a time machine and steal the ’99 version of Kurt Warner and bring him back ’05. The Cardinals for the first time since ’98 make the playoffs and almost sell out a home game.

Finally the Super Bowl will finally be held in Vegas but with terrible consequences. The Patriots once again reach the big game playing the Carolina Panthers who have been guided in a Angels in the Outfield sort of way by their fallen comrade Sam Mills. Before the game begins though Tom Brady following his SNL appearance decides to leave the Pats and join Wayne Newton at the MGM Grand becoming their new star attraction. The Pats go down in flames and The Tom Brady Extravaganza sells out for a amazing 600 straight weeks.

Lastly, some horrible news for the Villanova Mens Waterpolo team. After losing team stars and all around studs Kevin Harty and Michael Lucarz the team falls into mediocrity. With the season half way over and Michael Gordon missing and presumed inebriated Harty and Lucarz shock the polo world by enlisting in the Nova Grad School and rejoining the team.

Unfortunately after a tremendous the run that saw them reach the Nationals in Las Vegas the team is informed before their first game that Harty and Lucarz have become Tom Brady’s co-stars in The aptly titled Tom Brady Extravaganza with special guests Kevin Harty and Mike Lucarz. The show becomes an even bigger hit then it was before and the Nova Polo team falls in the first round 6-1.

Well there you have, one crazy look into the future. I’m not saying that all those things will happen, but lets face it, there’s a pretty darn good chance. One more article to go, and let me tell you its going to be a good one. So until then, keep on keepin’ on.