Ten quick, easy ways to become a complete loner

Amy Durazo

College. A place where people from all races, backgrounds and walks of life (well not so much at Villanova, but for argument’s sake, let’s pretend) gather to coexist. Under such welcoming circumstances and conditions, it’s nearly impossible not to meet the companions you were born to have. But, just in case you came here to study instead of socialize, here are ten ways not to make friends at Villanova.

Follow your high school lover to college. That way, you will already have a friend and won’t need to make any others. When you are dumped for being clingy, slap his/her new significant other in the face at a crowded place. Then people will know you’re crazy and to back off. Don’t make eye contact. With anyone. This might lead to unwanted, unexpected smiles or conversations. In extreme cases, locking stares could lead to dating and all the unnecessary actions associated with the terrible practice.

When introducing yourself to potential friends, relay details about your life that will make others feel awkward. Do so by using as many popular slang words as you can. For example, “Yo, I like, wet the bed so much, I like, sleep on rubber sheets fo’ sheezy! Don’t I have a sweet life, bro?” This will send them running. First impressions aside, be sure to wear the same clothes as often as possible so that people will always be able to recognize you. Try not to wash them-others will easily identify you, perhaps even from miles away. If you are given a second chance, invite your new friends to watch the new Pokemon DVD you picked up at the mall earlier. Or you could challenge them to a vigorous game of Dungeons and Dragons.

If you suspect your neighbors are listening to ridiculously loud music or engaging in illegal activities such as drinking or drugs, inform your R.A. immediately. Then, knock on the culprits’ door and tell them that you’ve notified the proper authorities in order to give them a fair warning. Block all unfamiliar names from your buddy list, even if you are required to do a class project with NovaBBallFan6. Do so in order to prevent downloading viruses and receiving links to tasteless pornographic sites, as well as to avoid conversations with strangers. Decide you only want to make friends with the few you already have.

Never, under any circumstances, go to an off-campus party. Warn everyone attending that such gatherings are inappropriate and that jungle juice and other substances can impair one’s sense of morals. Then, call the police and give them the address of the party and the names of the hosts.

If, by some strange occurrence, you are invited to hang out, complain. About everything. The car ride is too bumpy. The French fries are too thick. The movie is rated R, and you only like Disney flicks. The lava lamp is freaking you out. Black lights are for people using Ecstasy. Rap music promotes murder. Etc, etc, etc. In accordance with Rule 8, make unreasonable requests. Suggest that only songs without explicit lyrics be played in the Oreo during sorority and fraternity fundraisers. How about soft rock instead? Ask that the group walking in front of you to class tone down their language. Cursing is for thugs. Also, politely request that your professors quit joking about students getting drunk on the weekends, seeing as to how you have no such plans.

When all else fails, be “That Guy.” Roll up to campus in your BMW, complete with personalized license plates and the new Kanye CD blasting through your nearly black windows. Show up late to class, wearing a flamboyantly-colored Polo shirt – collar popped – Sevens, and Rocket Dogs, and be sure to make a loud entrance. If that doesn’t annoy people, then you’ve forgotten a key element – your unreasonably expensive bag. If solitary confinement is what you want and friends are what you’re getting, follow these simple steps. Your reward? Throughout the rest of college, you’ll be the life of your one-person party.