You know what really sticks in my craw? It’s the news.

They just sit there, staring at the screen, with their big shiny hair and seductive looks and their … knowledge. I hate you Tim Russert! What do you want from me! I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled.

But it’s not just the fact that all news reporters think that they’re better than us because they know stuff and we don’t. They stick in my craw because they’re hypocrites.

In America, we live in a time of constant danger. Everywhere you look there’s a code orange, code mauve, code dessert sage, code olive green, code … whatever. But what do these codes mean? I don’t know, but I bet it’s pretty dangerous.

And with all this danger, who do we trust to inform us, to keep us safe and to provide hours of comfort and meaningless stories about the fat kid who posts mpegs of himself singing strange songs on the Internet? I’ll tell you who. We trust the news to do this.

But instead of keeping me safe, I turn on the news and what do I see? I see my local anchor on the tube previewing the next story. “Up next: Getting a gun through airport security is not as difficult as you might think. We’ll show you how when we come back.” Well of course after hearing this, I almost spit out my tea, and I dropped my crumpets on the floor (and those were my last three crumpets; I was pissed).

Were they serious? Not only is there a way to get a gun onto a plane, but they were going to show me how to do it? And no doubt, when the program returned, they actually showed the step-by-step process on how to get a gun through airport security. Does that make you feel safe, Villanova?

The sad thing is that these kinds of stories air all the time. How many times have we been listening to the radio or watching the news, and we see a story that says, “Tonight: Making a highly explosive bomb. It’s easier than you think. We’ll tell you everything you need to know when we return.”

I mean where will it stop? I can just imagine a story that says “Nuclear weapons: They can be made by using items that can be found in your kitchen. We’ll give you the step-by-step instructions tonight at ten.”

Am I crazy, Villanova? Am I the only one who sees this as information that should not be given out to the public? I feel as though there are terrorists from 30 different countries and American anarchists who want to see the downfall of government who sit down every night in front of the television and take notes on the instructions given by the news.

Dramatization:

Network news reporter: Tonight, quail hunting, a vice president’s sub-conscious call for attention, or a deadly trend among American politicians? Then, the American infrastructure may be more delicate than you previously thought. How can some regular guy that’s sitting at home watching this program destroy it? We’ll show you the step-by-step process.

Anarchist: What … whoa, wait, no way (laughs). Wow. There’s no way they’re going to show me how to take down the American infrastructure. Wow, I thought (laughs again), I don’t believe this (motions to his wife in the other room). Honey, get my anarchist note pad, I have to write this down. Victory shall yet be mine!

Why would the media tell people things like that? I know that I’m a realist, and this is probably just me talking fast, but I don’t think I want anyone to know how to smuggle a gun on an airplane. Then the news gives visual instructions on how to do it. Yeah, that makes me feel a lot safer. I think the media should realize that there is such a thing as too much information. There are some things that people just shouldn’t know, and how to make explosives using household items is one of them.

I think it’s great that our media is so open to telling Americans the truth, but I suppose at times, there is too much truth. When a system has the power to convey so much information as quickly and efficiently as the American media , they should take greater responsibility for keeping people safe.

And that’s what really sticks in my craw. (I just realized that I’m criticizing the news and I’m writing this article in a newspaper … sweet irony.) Good luck Villanova, and godspeed.