What really sticks in my craw

Kai Beasley

You know what really sticks in my craw? Things that don’t show reality, most notably commercials. It escapes me why the corporations with their big money, and corrupt leaders and their bumper stickers try to make us think that things would be much better if we bought their products when in reality they might even get worse.

Take Budweiser, for instance. We all know Budweiser. They sell beer by showing pictures of sexy horses in their commercials (like horses have anything to do with beer). But what’s worse is their depiction of life being better with Budweiser. They always show guys going out to the club and encountering sexy women and being able to hold decent conversation. They never show the truth.

They don’t show the guy that embarrassingly wets himself in the corner of the bar because of his impaired judgment. They don’t show the crying and emotional distress brought on by beer. They don’t show the embarrassing conversation that ruins your chances with Francesca, the double-jointed cheerleader who, until she saw you drunk, actually thought you were really cool. Her opinion soon changed after you told her that she had a nice rack and then as she turned to walk away you began to cry and scream, “I love you. Call me! Maybe? We should have babies!” And yes, that happened to me once when I was young and stupid, and by young and stupid I mean two nights ago (Am I joking? You’ll never know.).

Why is it that sexy women always randomly show up in beer commercials anyway? I mean what’s the deal with that? Do sexy women follow six packs around like a baby hungry for milk? Are really good-looking women genetically predisposed to being around beer? In my experience, that hasn’t been the case, but I question whether I have missed out on something in my life after witnessing the bliss of those involved in beer commercials.

And I love Total commercials. You all know Total, the cereal. The commercial is always the same:

Location: Kitchen

(A man begins to eat a bowl of Raisin Bran. His wife walks in.)

Wife: “What are you eating?”

Husband: “Oh, nothing, just some Raisin Bran.”

(The wife then holds up a box of Total to the camera.)

Wife: “Oh, well, did you know that you would have to eat 37 bowls of Raisin Bran just to match the vitamins in one bowl of Total?”

Husband: “Looks like I’m going to stick with Total.”

And that’s the commercial. First of all, am I the only one who would be freaked out if this situation happened in real life? Who talks like that? And I would also want to know whom my wife is talking to. And why is she holding up a box of Total? Where did the Total come from? I only eat Raisin Bran, Cocoa Puffs and the occasional bowl of Lucky Charms if I’m feeling saucy. What if I don’t like Total? This could be the beginning of a domestic dispute. What if my wife has been on my case about my cholesterol all week, and I don’t appreciate her telling me what to eat? I’ve had a hard week at work, and I just want to enjoy my Raisin Bran without learning about the daily vitamins in Total. Is that so much to ask? The Total commercial takes none of these things into account. No, the way they portray it, you would think that was an everyday conversation.

My favorite commercials have to be for the phone sex products. They always play it really innocently, like the people are just looking for friends to have a good time. Then they show incredibly good looking people all in the same place talking to each other on the phone. First off, there aren’t that many good looking people in the world. Second, they always show the woman’s hips at some point as she’s talking on the phone. As if talking on the phone has something to do with hips. Has anyone ever said, “Whoa, look at her hips. Man, I bet you she could talk on the phone for like days.” No. No one has ever said that.

I mean, what are they trying to tell me here? Are they telling me that if I call their phone sex line someone is going to have sex with me? I think that’s pretty impossible because you’re on the phone, which usually means that you aren’t in the same place as anyone else. Call me old fashioned, but I’m a big believer in being in the same place as the person.

Not to mention that in order to call a phone sex line in the first place, you have to admit to yourself that you have no other means of “getting some.”

Look, for all you marketing majors out there, when you get into the business, take a realistic approach to commercials. I don’t want to have to write this particular column again. But I’ll do it if I have to. So while there really isn’t to moral to this story, I thought you could share in my grievance.

Good luck Villanova, and godspeed.