While you tan, I’ll get rich off your dollars

Gene Brion

With spring’s onset and summer on its way, sights of pretty girls basking in the sun dominate the grassy plots on campus. Some girls look on admiring balanced tans, and many guys gawk at supposedly hot babes wearing barely anything.

Some people see beauty, but I see dollar signs.

As a pre-medical student, thoughts of what specialty to practice in the future occasionally come in mind.

Girls basking on West campus, the lawn in front of Dougherty and on Mendel Field make a career in oncology or dermatology or some other cancer-related field look mighty appealing.

Money is not the sole objective; after all, in the future there will be many people in genuine need of quality treatment.

Every new sunspot a sunbather cultivates probably amounts to around $500 each in future healthcare. Considering how many girls on campus, let alone around the country, don bathing suits and bake outside, the future holds many patients paying a lot of fees.

Somebody must care for these patients so they can go on living their lackluster, bourgeois lives. Some medical doctor will especially need to care for all those former sunbathers who develop tough, leathery hides resembling fresh beef jerky.

Even after years of compounding regret and increasing unattractiveness, deep-fried people of later decades need an experienced clinician who can give them a flimsy sense of sexiness.

With the possibility of so much income pouring in for myself or any medical doctor, what to do with all the cash will become a concern.

Out of a sense of self-preservation and in imitation of the Duke family, who ironically took their tobacco wealth and created Duke University with its world-class hospital and cancer center, funneling funds into tanning salons seems like a great idea. It is ironic that a tobacco family built a cancer center, but it is just another investment. Just like tanning can be.

Tanning gains self-respect. Sadly, many students are born of German, English or Irish descent and thus are born into the world very, very white. Despite their skin’s intolerance for harmful sun rays, they risk their body’s health so they can look Spanish or Italian, something Latin, something lightly tanned and therefore beautiful.

A good tan develops a girl’s self-respect, knowing people deem her attractive with her olive-tone skin.

Girlfriends admire her mocha creamy complexion and potential boyfriends pay her attention. Some girls are lucky with their investment and receive such a high return that their skin takes on an orange hue out of so much excitement.

The benefits of a tan last forever. They really do. Other than the aforementioned tough and ready-for-anything, Slim Jim-like texture, white skin-tanned-brown guarantees regular doctor visits. It also ensures regular use of lotions, ointments and prescription drugs helping preserve skin health. Besides, who isn’t entertained by the sight of a tan Irish girl?

Please, go on tanning out there. You will look good, and you will provide me and other future doctors with a living.

The income will not be spent on frivolous objects. You will put my kids through Catholic high school. You might even put them through Villanova.

Alumni helping alumni is a Villanova sort of thing, so please, lay there because sunbathing is a good. On the way out, consider leaving the sunglasses indoors because some future ophthalmologist will appreciate the gesture.