You know what really sticks in my craw? Earwax. It is the ultimate equalizer and for that, I despise it. It is completely unfair that something so small can have such a great effect on a person’s image. How does earwax impact one’s image you ask? Allow me to give an example.

Say you’re spending time with your significant other and you’re thinking, “Man I think I really like this person. I mean he or she doesn’t smell bad, he or she’s really good looking, he or she is nice and, most importantly, he or she is clean. I think I’m going to tell him or her how much I care about him or her.” So you lean over to that beautiful girl or handsome man and begin to whisper sweet nothings in his or her ear. But no sooner do you begin to tell he or she how you feel, then there is a giant ball of earwax staring you in the face, looking at you as if to say, “What the heck do you think you’re doing?”

You say, “Oh hey, earwax, what’s going on?”

The earwax responds, “Nothing. I was trying to enjoy my dinner in this ear when I was rudely interrupted by some fool trying to whisper into my home.”

Then you’re like, “Oh sorry earwax, I just really like this person and I wanna tell him or her how I feel so I thought I would whisper into his or her ear.”

And the earwax is like, “No! Get out! This is my house! Punks jump up to get beat down!”

Clearly, the earwax completely ruined the mood and probably stained the image of the person that you liked so much. I mean it’s just nasty. I don’t know anyone that thinks those little sticky bronze-colored balls of earwax are attractive. They’re squishy and they taste horrible … I mean I hear that they taste horrible. And in winter, it gets even worse when turns all yellow and crusty.

We all know that any time we think someone is cool and we see his or her earwax, they lose a whole lot of cool points. It completely humanizes people and prevents anyone from being better than anyone else. That’s horrible! People deserve to be better than other people based on how they look. I mean if I dress nice, you never see boogers hanging out of my nose or earwax in my ear and everyone thinks I’m cool, I just must be a great person, right? Isn’t that where my self-worth lies? Who’s with me? Huh? Anyone?

Well, now I wonder. If my cool-factor can be affected by something as natural and as human as balls of earwax, is it really worth it to strive for coolness? I mean we all do things that aren’t attractive. We all smell at times, we all wake up with the eye crust and we all drool in our sleep, but why should we be judged by that? Why do we expect that doing natural things would make us uncool?

I guess things like earwax can remind us that we are all human. I mean, how much cooler can one person be than another person if they both need the same things to survive? All our bodies carry out the same processes (except me because doctors have proven that my body gives off a very rare chemical called “sexy” – no. it really does). So I guess cool shouldn’t be judged by how we dress or the fact that we always smell like cinnamon rolls. Cool should be based on the things that we do and the content of our character.

So, in closing, Villanova, the next time you are hanging out with your girlfriend or boyfriend, stop by the ear and say hi to the earwax. Thank it for its role as an equalizing factor. Give it a “How’s ya father?” Know that you care about the owner of that ear, not because he or she doesn’t drool in his or her sleep, or because he or she doesn’t have earwax in his or her ear, but because he or she is just like you.

Good luck Villanova, and Godspeed.