In the second weekly (and hopefully not last) installment of “Mascotology,” I’ll break down a few national games. (I’ll hold off on our Wildcats until we enter conference play or I have more than 250 words to play with.) Keep in mind that, unlike evolution, “Mascotology” is a science and I, the scientist. I’m the one with the three in AP Bio, thanks in large part to the “Meow Mix” lyrics that I wrote for my third essay, which really seemed to resonate with the graders. As you read this, I am wearing a lab coat and latex gloves, although this has more to do with my job slicing meat at Wawa (thanks Poly Sci!) than my science credentials.

The early-season games, in which teams look to pad their schedules by beating up on weaker Division-I talent, provide us with some interesting mascot names. Take, for example, the Chattanooga Mocs taking on the Florida Gators this weekend. Aside from the fact that an alligator would tool-up upon an inanimate object, there is also another problem: who wears moccasins? That’s right: Hippies. These long-haired, peace-loving drains on the economy don’t scare anyone except Barry Goldwater, and he’s dead.

Pressing forward, one of this weekend’s games provides me with an unforeseen dilemma. The Eastern Michigan Eagles against the Marquette Golden Eagles is a doomsday scenario for “Mascotology.” This situation happens all the time in nature, as eagles are the ill-tempered, roving bullies of the avian community. They drive around in their el Caminos picking on finches and other smaller birds when they aren’t having zip-gun fights with other eagles. When we resort to this sort of crime, no one wins. In this game, I’ll stay safe and say the Golden Eagles because, you know, gold is heavy.