MBB: The ‘science’ of Mascotology

Raynor Denitzio

First of all, I’d like to thank the 53 of you who took the time to read my article on the web site. This is one of the benefits of having a big family.

In the face of reason, I am submitting yet another edition of Mascotology. Currently, my record stands at an awesome 2-0, thanks in large part to Florida and Marquette handling business last time. This week I’ll predict the Villanova game and take a look at some games on the national level, including a bold, foolhardy prediction about one mid-major conference.

This week Ohio State took over the No. 1 ranking in the nation. This may come as a shock to some of you, since a buckeye is a type of nut. But a little research (and by research, I mean a Google search) turned up the fact that a buckeye is, in reality, poisonous to “humans, horses and cattle.” For this reason, I must alter the rules of Mascotology to include an amendment: Poison beats humans. This is why the University of Southern Cranford Cyanide Capsules consistently dominate junior college athletics in the tri-state area.

Now with that housekeeping out of the way, on to the games. Today our very own Wildcats take on the Stony Brook Seawolves. I don’t know much about seawolves, but I know that Stony Brook is on Long Island. From this, I can make some sweeping generalizations about Long Island (which are liable to offend), namely that its residents have tape-up blow-out haircuts and drive cheap BMWs with ground-effects kits and obnoxious decals sporting slogans like “Beamer Power” across the windshield. This alone is enough reason for me to pick against them. Go with the Wildcats.

On Sunday the UC Riverside Highlanders take on the UCLA Bruins. This may be the easiest pick in the history of Mascotology. For those of you who haven’t seen the romantic comedy, the Highlanders are immortal. In any fight between a bear (especially if it’s a female bear) and a pissed-off Sean Connery, I’m taking Sean Connery, and I suggest you do too. In fact, I’m going out on a limb here and calling UC Riverside to run through the Big West Conference, unless by some chance they meet up against a team with David LoPan (who is also immortal) as its mascot.

Up next, Monday presents an interesting matchup as the Southern Utah Thunderbirds take on the Washington Huskies. A Ford Thunderbird weighs in the neighborhood of 3,000 pounds. The average husky weighs about 40 pounds. Adding to that an above-average song by Bob Seger about the merits of the vehicle, it is clear that the Thunderbird would destroy a husky.