Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) If a couple of magical unicorns tell you to come to Candy Mountain, don’t listen. They want to steal your kidney.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)Telling a girl that she looks like the kid who played Oliver Twist is not going to get you her number, even if it was well-intentioned.

Aries (March 21-April 19)A serious case of writer’s block may prevent you from getting that paper done, but at least your right arm will get some intense exercise while you “brainstorm” by playing your neighbor’s new Wii.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)Post-Its are a great way to get organized, but when they cover your mirror, desk, bed, mini-fridge and even your teddy bear, it’s time to get a planner.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)It’s a dangerous time of year; Girl Scout cookies are on sale. Craft that removable floor panel carefully, or your roommate will start a bigger controversy than the name of Samoa cookies.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)Super Bowl party? Most definitely. All the wings you can eat? Count on it. Opportunity for some ridiculously bizarre football-induced behavior? Absolutely. Just idiot-proof everything, especially the big-screen TV.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)After watching the notorious cabbage toss on the court at the Villanova vs. Pitt game Monday night, you block out the tragic results of the game and instead begin to question the intelligence of whoever thought that was a good idea.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)You and your dictionary will become close friends this semester. Make it a nice name tag that says, “Hello, my name is Ainsley.”

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)You decide to write an angry letter to Mother Nature after last week’s snow did not result in a single snow day. Don’t be too mean, or she might go overhaul out of spite.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)The new shuttle route to Minella’s is going to deplete your bank account and ruin your good eating habits. But hey, those milkshakes are amazing …

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)Keep that YouTube obsession in check this week. While your love of the “Shoes” video is appreciated, your constant “these shoes cost $300” references are going annoy your professors so much that they will repeatedly throw you out of class.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)Since “Dreamgirls” missed out on a best picture Oscar nomination this year, you decide to hold an award ceremony of your own. Someone else out there must share your love for “My Super Ex-Girlfriend,” but best comedy? Umm …