Much like Mark Morrison of “Return of the Mack” fame, Mascotology is back to rock the show (or to get arrested for zapping someone with a taser, whichever comes first). In the interest of full disclosure, I think it’s important to point out that the UC Riverside bandwagon has officially slammed into the brick wall of reality. The Highlanders stand at 3-17 as of Saturday. This comes as no surprise due to the startling revelation that the “Highlander” series is in fact a work of fiction. Now that I think about it, the character did look suspiciously like Sean Connery.

Also, it would appear as though Rule No. 1 (people are greater than animals) is failing, as only three human teams are currently in the Top 25. I think we all know who is to blame for this: PETA. Rest assured that as we speak, thanks to radicals such as Pamela Anderson, animals are now consolidating their power and will soon rise up against us. Although the irony of a cow eating a human is not lost on me, I have begun stockpiling weapons and A1 Steak Sauce at my house for the upcoming battle.

To recount all of my huge embarrassing failures would likely be much more entertaining than my asinine ramblings about the relative strength of college mascots; however, since I’ve only been given 500 words, I digress. Let’s just say that it isn’t a good idea to blindly bet upon the strength of mascots without considering a few other factors, even if my mother did successfully ride this strategy to victory in her office’s NFL pool. Of the top four teams right now, the Wisconsin Badgers, Florida Gators and UCLA Bruins clearly have the edge. I’m not really quite sure what exactly a Tar Heel is, but it’s different, and that’s bad.

But let’s go to the Big Bad East, where our Wildcats travel to that giant high school in the middle of nowhere to take on the Fighting Irish. Honestly, if you ever travel out there, you’ll understand why sports mean so much to these people. When the closest city is an hour-and-a-half train ride away, you need any reason to avoid abusing alcohol and stimulants. Having a large Irish family, I know that my people are talented in many areas. Unfortunately, writing ability and guilt trips aren’t much help on the basketball court. Pick the Wildcats.

Elsewhere, Rutgers takes on Seton Hall. With roughly 90 percent of my high school attending one of these two universities (the other 10 are in community college or jail), I have a vested interest in this one. I’m going to have to go with Rutgers. First, there is the obvious fact that armored Knights would own Pirates in head-to-head combat. (Remember, for every Johnny Depp pirate, there are dozens of the Fabio variety.) Secondly, I will always hold a soft spot in my heart for the boys from the Raritan, as they were kind enough to let me in when others (I’m looking at you BC, Harvard, Dartmouth and Georgetown) wouldn’t.

I know many of you are skeptical of Mascotology, when “Stomp the Yard” is the No. 1 movie in America, is there anything we can’t do?