MBB: The ‘science’ of Mascotology

Stephen Buszka

Fortunately for the Mascotology Department of The Villanovan, the “cease and desist” order served on us has been repealed, and we may now move on with our lives. However, the vast amount of legal fees incurred has left the Mascotology department with the inability to afford the expertise of our senior analyst and, since then, he has left for greener pastures (aka a real career). Despite this small set back, Mascotology is ready to roll.

The “computers” at Mascotology have been stalling at the seemingly illogical defeat of the Duke Blue Devils by the Maryland Terrapins. While the Devils may have the power of evil on their side, a closer look at the Terps reveals just how powerful turtles can be. We all know the old mantra about the tortoise beating the hare. However, tortoises are not turtles; they are mere cousins. Naturally, this takes us to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but they too are disqualified as they have been genetically mutated by “ooze.” (Gross … yet intriguing.) We must now turn our attention to Franklin the Turtle. Franklin and his friends enjoyed a couple of seasons that were aired on Nick Jr. in the late ’90s. During that time, he displayed his ability to ball. However, once he had done his balling, he signed up for dance lessons. That’s right, dance lessons. Just like Matt Leinart. Following in Franklin’s footsteps, the Terps outplayed Duke and possibly played themselves into the Dance. Logically, the only thing for the Terps to do was win this game, because it just may have bumped them into the tourney; otherwise it may have rendered Franklin’s dance lessons useless. Also, Darryl Strawberry Jr.’s father is notorious for having the “stuff” to get a party going, if you roll like that.

It appears that it isn’t just turtles that have the edge over demonic creatures. As a group, reptiles seem to do quite well. They have few problems defeating mammals as seen in the Florida Gators recent victory over the Kentucky Wildcats. There was also that time last year when the Gators beat a Wildcat team … well, let’s not talk about that. Look for the Gators to stomp on the Vanderbilt Commodores and the South Carolina Gamecocks, led by their mascot Cocky the Gamecock.

We’ll expand the pro-reptilian theme for this week to include amphibians. As a result, the Texas Christian University Horned Frogs basketball team is a safe bet this week against both the Colorado State Bighorn Sheep (aka Rams) and the New Mexico Lobos. Even though TCU has lost nine straight games, it’ll come around. Frogs, especially the poisonous ones, can be dangerous. However, while TCU’s frogs aren’t poisonous, they are aggressive and horny. (That’s what she said.)

Finally, we come to the Georgetown Hoyas at our Villanova Wildcats. While Georgetown may parade Jack the Bulldog as its “mascot,” the fact of the matter is that its actual mascot is the Hoya. A quick (and always reliable) Internet search (Wikipedia.org) reveals that “hoya” is actually a genus of tropical climbing plants. It is common knowledge that birds eat plants and cats eat birds. Using this absurd logic, wildcats eat hoyas … yes, the entire genus. (Unfortunately, the mass consumption of carbon dioxide-reducing plants may accelerate the effects of global warming. Sorry, Al Gore.) There are some who claim that hoya is an ancient Greek term referring to the word “what.” After having lived through the infamous Chappelle’s Show Lil’ John skit of a few years ago and its cultural implications, I am convinced that naming a team the “Whats” is stupid. It’s just as inane as asking Mike Jones the question “Who?” (Mike Jones.) Who? This could go on forever.