DIBIASE: Time to pass out some irreverant NBA hardware

Justin Dibiase

The NBA’s all-star weekend in Las Vegas is here, and while the attention turns to the city of bad decisions and even bigger mistakes, it is time to hand out the hardware for the halfway point of the NBA season.

The Most-Likely-to-Run-Away-From-Me-in-a-Fight Award: Carmelo Anthony, Denver. This award was going to go to the entire Boston Celtics team, but ‘Melo’s punch-and-run on Chicago Bulls rookie Marty Collins makes me believe I would have the former Syracuse star running for his mommy. Hey, maybe that’s the reason for the yellow in the Nuggets’ team colors.

The David Copperfield Award for Excellence in a Reappearing Act: Allan Ray, Boston. For a guy who struggled through the Big East and NCAA tournaments last season at Villanova, Ray has really turned out to be a nice off-the-bench option for coach Doc Rivers. Ray dropped 20 points on the Washington Wizards but only managed nine points on 3-of-15 shooting against Boston College in the tournament.

The Shudda-Wudda-Cudda Award: Kyle Lowry, Memphis. K-Lo came out for the draft after his sophomore season at Villanova. He landed with Memphis in the first round, guaranteeing money. Unfortunately, Lowry broke his wrist and is out for the season. I still don’t know how Lowry chose a measly $800,000 salary over a spacious junior apartment and the wonderful St. Mary’s dining hall. As they say, “If it don’t make dollas, then it don’t make sense.”

The Window Shopper Award for the Rebounding Challenged: Tie. Andrea Bargnani, Toronto, and Adam Morrison, Charlotte. These promising young stars can really fill it up, but they are nowhere to be found on the glass. I have invented a new statistic that shows why the 7-foot Bargnani and the 6-foot-8-inch Morrison are embarrassments to the rebound column. The statistic divides the player’s height in inches by his rebounding per game average. Morrison averages 25 inches per rebound, and Bargnani averagess a pathetic 23.3 inches per board. Compare this to the NBA league leader in rebounds Kevin Garnett’s 6.64 inches per rebound. I hear the weight rooms in Toronto and Charlotte calling their names from here.

The Most-Potentially-Harmful-Person-to-Villanova-Basketball Award: Larry Brown, executive vice president, Philadelphia. I don’t care if this guy is in the Hall of Fame or not. There is no reason why he should be allowed to step foot in a Villanova basketball game. Sure, he may say that he comes to ‘Nova’s games for the great basketball, but everyone knows that he is chatting with Jay Wright. Brown is a terrorist, and we allow him to work his evil at our games. Our Villanova homeland security level should be around orange-red when Brown is around. I don’t want to have to say I told you so when Wright signs with the Sixers.

The Woody Harrelson in “White Men Can’t Jump” Award: Steve Nash, Phoenix. The reigning NBA Most Valuable Player looks more like the MVP of a chess tournament. In fact, Nash is a lot like Harrelson except Nash is not broke and doesn’t have a roller-skating girlfriend.

The Most-Deserving-of-More-Playing-Time Award: Randy Foye, Minnesota. Can a Wildcat get some love in the Twin Cities?

The Bonehead Quote Award: Tyrus Thomas, Chicago. Thomas was recently added to this year’s dunk contest. A few days later, Thomas told the Chicago Tribune, “I’m just going to go out there, get my check and call it a day. I’m just into the free money. That’s it.” After this dim-witted quote reached the Bulls’ front office, he was slapped with an appropriate $10,000 fine. I guess he should have stayed in college more than one year so that he could have taken a course in ethics.

The Most-Disappointing-Baller-Who-Looks-Like-a-Character-in-“Rocky IV” Award: Andrei Kirilenko, Utah. The Ivan Drago look-alike is averaging a career-low 9.1 points per game. His scoring isn’t the only thing taking a pounding, however. His assists, rebounds and blocks are also at a low. Amazingly enough, the Jazz are sitting atop the Northwest division at 32-17.

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Justin DiBiase is a sophomore civil engineering major from Franklinville, N.J. He can be reached at [email protected]