Aries (March 21-April 19)Open a McDonald’s and be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. Don’t sell hamburgers, and do not be affiliated with that clown. Sell spaghetti … and blankets.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)If your apartment is infested with koala bears, it will be the cutest infestation ever, way better than cockroaches.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)You will buy a product for three easy payments and one very complicated payment. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. That last payment must be made in Wampum. Good luck, buddy.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)When you consider getting your teeth whitened, forget that. Get a tan instead.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)If your graduation plans fall through, get a job at the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Just say what the thing does and add “-er.”

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)When you played golf, you may not have gotten a hole in one, but you did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)After your boat capsizes on a rowing trip, forget the life preserver; reach for a lime. You’ll be saved by the buoyancy of citrus!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)If you don’t know Peter Frampton’s music, just ask him if he likes toast.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)You will be invited to join a panel that will name the next big chain of hotels. We know you had your heart set on Quadruple Tree. You were almost there.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)If you’re sick of following your dreams, just ask where they’re going and hook up with them later.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Ducks eat for free at Subway! Pretend to be a duck, and order the steak fajita sub. In fact, pretend to be six hungry ducks, and they all want Sun Chips!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)When you’re in the South, they say y’all; they take out the “o” and the “u.” Talk like that: You’re in the S’th, and you want some s’p! You stubbed your toe …’ch!