Aries (March 21-April 19)It will become increasingly apparent that underwear gnomes actually do exist and are currently stealing your underwear. That, or your random roommate really is that creepy.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)Okay, seriously. Snow in April? Not cool. Figure out a way to control the weather. You’d be everyone’s hero.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)Blueberry pie is awesome, particularly when you get it for free. You should demand blueberry pie more often as winnings in a bet.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)Inhaling glitter is not a good substitution for oxygen, and it’s probably not doing nice things to your lungs. Keep that in mind while working on Greek Week posters.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)Your Chia Pet will drown in sangria after your roommate accidentally knocks it off the window sill while making beverages for the weekend. Poor Chia …

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)Everyone knows you love Hawaiian pizza, but next time you order, make sure it doesn’t have Canadian pineapple. Apparently, it does bad things to your gall bladder.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)If you haven’t started your 20-page research paper yet, it might be a good idea to get started on that. You can only pretend to have a rare contagious cell disease for so long.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)A rumble will go down after a sorority spies on another’s skit rehearsal. As an innocent bystander, take cover under a table while the powder puffs versus lipsticks rumble goes down.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)Just when you thought Avril Lavigne was a washout, she has been reincarnated as a cheerleader clad in pink telling you she hates your boyfriend. Remember that “Anti-Avril” campaign you wanted to start when she first came out? Work on that.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)Your obsession with ferry boats isn’t exactly normal, but if you’re happy paying to go back and forth over rivers fascinated like a little kid watching “Pokemon,” by all means, ferry away.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)If you keep blasting country music, something bad will happen to your computer. That’s just bad karma.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)Remember how you wanted an exotic pet for your dorm room? Apparently you can buy live chickens for $8 at a local farm.