Out of Bounds: The Rangers score 30, is there a conspiracy at ESPN, and Bill Murray goes for a drive

Kyle Scudilla

So bad, they’re good.

Just ask the Orioles.

The Texas Rangers made history last week, beating the Baltimore Orioles 30-3 during the first half of a doubleheader, scoring more runs than some teams score in a week. Plenty was made of the historical offensive explosion in the media over the last week, but most national outlets let some important information slip through the cracks. Leave it to “Out of Bounds” to pick up the pieces.

The lineup put together by Ron Washington was, possibly, one of the worst, on paper, the game has ever seen.

Seriously, let’s break this down. Texas had Marlon Byrd hitting clean up that night. Locals might remember Byrd as the Phillies’ “centerfielder of the future” who was traded after just two seasons, then cut by the Washington Nationals, who, in many ways, are themselves a minor-league organization. Byrd, best-known for running like a sprinter and hitting like a pitcher, hit a home run, scored four runs and drove in four.

Catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia had 17 RBI going into the Orioles game, just three more than he has letters in his last name. The backstop drove in seven runs.

Nelson Cruz (.225 batting average), Jason Botts (.225) and Ramon Vazquez (.235) combined to go 9-for-20 with eight runs and nine RBI.

David Murphy, who had just 13 at-bats this season before the game, had five hits and scored five runs.

So what does all this add up to?

It still sucks to be a Rangers fan.

But how much worse is it to be an Orioles fan?



It’s official: If you’re a sports fan, ESPN controls your life. It’s sad to say, really. I mean, I’ve been in denial about it for years. After the latest turn of events, I wonder if it’s worth fighting any more.

In case you haven’t heard, Michael Vick has been barking up the wrong tree lately. ESPN has let us know that the quarterback has been a bad boy lately ad naseum. It went a little too far when a recent Sunday Night Baseball broadcast was interrupted to have a panel discussion about Vick’s viewership of “Scooby-Doo” as a child.

But now, ESPN’s tyrannical rule seems to have transcended the world of sports media. In the “coincidence of all coincidences,” Vick’s sentencing date is (ta-da!) Dec. 10, the very same day ESPN is airing the Falcons on Monday Night Football. Without Vick, having the Falcons on MNF would have been an unwatchable disaster. Now, the broadcast booth will be alive with the sound of inane Michael Vick banter. As if it weren’t convenient enough that the Falcons were on Monday night this week on the same day as Vick’s guilty plea, now we get even more Michael Vick, for months to come.

Ruh roh.


Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will be appearing on this year’s season of “Dancing with the Stars.” ABC executives are hopeful that Cuban will bring in the big-time ratings he did for his “The Apprentice” rip-off, “The Benefactor.” Wait a second, that can’t possibly be the reason …

Former NFL quarterback Tim Couch has been linked to taking anabolic steroids and human growth hormone. Yes, the same Tim Couch who got drafted first overall in 1999, then proceeded to get cut by the Browns and has failed in eight comeback attempts since. Most recently, he got cut by the Jaguars after losing the third-string quarterback job to Quinn Gray and Lester Ricard. HGH, it does a body good.

Fifty-nine-year-old grandfather Mike Flynt will suit up for the Divison III Sul Ross State University football team. The tiny football program is already experiencing some great benefits of taking part in the notable roster move. Rumor has it that the school has signed a sponsorship deal with Nike, in which the company will sponsor Flynt’s Depends with a Nike swoosh and the famous “Just Do It” slogan on the back.

Real Men

of Genius

This week we salute you, Bill Murray, as the first “Out of Bounds Real Man of Genius” (though, don’t be fooled by the headline, I don’t stop short at gender lines). Murray, of “Caddyshack” fame, was pulled over for driving a golf cart, while intoxicated, through downtown Stockholm. The actor also refused to take a breathalyzer test, upsetting Swedish police even more than the Swedish chef gets when someone puts extra salt on his cooking.

Luckily, no one was hurt, so it makes this story, quite honestly, really cool. Carl Spackler jacked a golf cart and drove it through the downtown area of a world capital, though there’s no word about whether or not his actions were linked to gopher-removal activities.

While jail is a possibility for Bill, fines are the more likely outcome, so, you know, he’s got that going for him.

Facebook News Feed

David Wells joined the group L.A. Fitness.

Drayton McLane wrote on Phil Garner’s wall

“it’s not you, it’s me, i swear. i’m just not in a ‘relationship’ place right now.”

Barry Bonds actually misses Pedro Gomez a little bit.

Eli Manning joined the group The Dom DiMaggio Appreciation Society.

Travis Henry added “my 9 illegitimate kids” to his interests.

95 of your friends joined the group The top five reasons to watch the U.S. Open are all Maria Sharapova

Drayton McLane wrote on Tim Purpura’s wall

“it’s not you, it’s me, i swear. i’m just not in a ‘relationship’ place right now.”

Kobe Bryant wrote on Phil Jackson’s wall

“hey coach. remember the good old days, when beating mexico in august wasn’t the highlight of my year?”

You Tubin’

Clip of the Week

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With college football season coming up, lots comes to mind. For me, the first thing is the instantly-classic Fiesta Bowl between Boise State and Oklahoma, which has to qualify as one of the best individual games of our generation.

This week’s video relives the fantastic ending to last year’s New Year’s Day madness, but with a twist. See if you can guess which popular TV show this clip parodies (and, as a hint, your cable didn’t go out).