Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)It’s understandable that you’re excited about the size of your new West Campus apartment, but don’t go overboard. Inviting 80 people over for a party won’t end well – especially for your claustrophobic roommate.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)Make sure to transition from talking with your friends to speech appropriate for class. Calling your female professor “dude” is not the right way to start off the semester.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)You need to stop complaining about classes and get over the fact that you actually have to do work. Don’t be such a Debbie Downer!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)You will be overcome by domestic desires and give your room a desperately needed cleaning. It will be spotless from floor to ceiling … until your roommate walks in five minutes later and throws muddy clothes everywhere.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)A science lecture will make you realize that this is actually not your astrological sign. You’ve been reading the wrong horoscopes your entire life!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)You will go fishing this weekend and after five hours, you will still be empty handed. Next time, instead of using a reel, try catching one with a boot.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)Use this week to come up with possible titles for the memoir you will some day write. Try something creative, like “The Story of Spirit Broken.”

Aries (March 21-April 19)During a trip to Pat’s, you will attempt to set the new competitive eating record for Philly cheesesteaks. Your friends will congratulate you on your Joey Chestnut-like form, but your stomach will not be so happy.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)You will decide to call up your best friend who is studying abroad this semester. However, you will forget the time difference and wake her up at 3 a.m. Needless to say, you will no longer be best friends.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)Don’t get too attached to that new palm tree you bought for your apartment. Your roommate hates trees and will “accidentally” over water it.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)Be careful how close you sit to that guy at the bar. Your sudden fit of uncontrollable sneezing will not be received well.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)When you head out to parties this weekend, watch out for attackers wielding lampshades. You laugh now, but it hurts.