Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Nice job kicking a soccer ball directly at a sprinkler, causing years worth of dirty water to pour from the sky. All of your hallmates thank you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Talking in your sleep isn’t all that unusual, but singing while you sleep is. Your roommate is about to discover your subconscious’ affection for Carrie Underwood songs.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You will fall asleep on a chair in Sullivan and mysteriously wake up on a couch in Sheehan. You will be the focus of a midnight procession across the Quad.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Not sure what to do after graduation? A Texas university now offers the first ever graduate school for ranchers. You have always wanted to be a cowboy …

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) You will wake up to find two mysterious scratches on your body. Those darn vampires must be back.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Your roommate will secretly videotape you practicing your routine to “Crank That (Souljah Boy).” You will instantly become a YouTube superstar.

Aries (March 21-April 19) While riding your bike across Mendel Field, it’s okay to say hi to people passing by, but make sure to keep looking forward. Otherwise, you’ll go crashing into a lamppost.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) While being daring with your wardrobe choice is always appreciated, steer clear of dressing in Shakespearean garb. Those tights are not flattering on a male figure.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) You will boycott all music by Timbaland because it really bothers you that “The Way I Are” is grammatically incorrect.

Cancer (Jun 22-July 22) You will finally fulfill your childhood dream and purchase that monkey. Good luck with the housebreaking.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Apparently you got extremely popular during the weekend your phone was broken. Good luck catching up on those 218 missed calls.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The stars know you went to see a palm reader last week. They are very angry with you.