Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)It’s almost that time of year again: registration. In the ultimate display of your couch-potato genius, you will schedule all of your classes in the building next to your residence hall. Walk across campus for class? That’s clearly for overachievers.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)As much as you’d like to think it is, your life is not a talk show. Please stop treating it like it is.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)You will experience an existential crisis when you consider whether or not your name actually suits you. Should you use a nickname or spell it all out? Avoid the whole issue by changing your name to a symbol.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)Break up the monotony of your life and speak entirely in a British accent.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)Here’s a second way to keep your days from being monotonous: speak entirely in letter form. For example, when ordering an omelet, say, “Dear Kathy, May I please have an egg-white omelet. Love, me.”

Aries (March 21-April 19)You will spend the next week trying to rid your mind of the image of the extremely large men dressed in an extremely small unitard at last night’s party. The dance floor will never be the same.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)When playing Scattegories, you will completely embarrass yourself by loudly declaring that “knife” goes in the category “Words that Begin with N.”

Gemini (May 21-June 21)You will have a discussion with one of your professors, and she will amazingly answer all of your life questions. From now on, you will refer to her as “Mrs. Sensei.”

Cancer (Jun 22-July 22)Everyone has a friend who’s “that girl.” Don’t think anyone in your group of friends fits the role? Then you’re “that girl”!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Be careful when you sleepily walk around campus this weekend. You may just find yourself in the middle of the cross country course.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)Your celebratory Riverdance across South Campus after Boston’s win was quite impressive. So impressive, in fact, that Papelpon himself will give the YouTube video five stars.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)Your professor will be furious with you when you show up late to class for the second time this week. “I was late because President Bush was here” is an excuse that only works once.