Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)First you tragically lost your fish when that can was knocked into the tank. Then your pet mouse fell victim to a rogue mousetrap. Maybe you should stop having animals before you have a full pet cemetery in your backyard.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)If you can’t tell the difference between olives and artichokes by now, you should probably learn. People who lack that knowledge should not be let out into the world.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)Before you agree to watch your neighbor’s puppy for the weekend, you should probably ask if it’s house-trained. Recarpeting your entire apartment is way too expensive.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)Despite how great you think you are, you are not more highly evolved than the average human. There is no such species as the homo sapien-awesome.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)It’s fall now. Stop blasting the air conditioning. You’re just setting yourself up for a weekend in the Student Health Center.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)For fun, just start yelling out random words when in crowded social situations. Who knows – you might even come up with your own catch phrase.

Aries (March 21-April 19)It’s great to bring your laptop to class to take notes. Just make sure your desktop isn’t a shot from the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Your professor will definitely not approve – but the guy who sits behind you might.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)If you schedule a date night, you should probably make sure to stay awake until your date actually arrives. Just a thought.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)Note to self: Helping out your boss by agreeing to take that 11-hour shift is just a bad idea.

Cancer (Jun 22-July 22)Stop buying whipped cream cans in bulk. When your mom comes to pick you up, she’ll have some not-so-comfortable questions for you.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Taking a nap before class is great – just make sure you don’t have huge pillow marks across your face.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)Begin writing your own self-help book.