Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)Britney fans can now come out of the closet. Apparently it is once again cool to be a fan. If you’re still holding out for a Las Ketchup comeback, you’re out of luck. “The Ketchup Song” will never be good again.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)Forgot this was Parents’ Weekend? Yeah, thought so. Maybe a quick dash to your room to clean up is in order.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)When attempting to cool down after a long day lugging around your backpack in the hot sun, you’ll hop into the shower fully clothed … only to realize your cell phone is in your pocket. Good thing your contract ends soon.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)If you were a freckly redhead with a mushroom haircut, you may want to reconsider putting up a childhood photo of yourself as your profile picture on Facebook. People will immediately recognize you as the kid from “Problem Child.”

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)A warning from the stars: Don’t watch that scary movie this weekend. If you do, don’t plan on getting a good night’s sleep anytime soon.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)If you didn’t realize that Boys Like Girls is the name of the band performing at the fall concert and not a statement of the seemingly obvious, don’t feel bad. You’re not the only one.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)When the stars offer you the chance to ghostwrite the horoscopes, make sure you have something clever and/or witty to say. At the very least, don’t resort to puns and bad jokes.

Aries (March 21-April 19)Remember that having a roommate does not mean that you need to divulge everything you do to that other person. There are some things that should just be kept to yourself.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)Jersey drivers whose horns stop working should keep that fact in mind when “reprimanding” other drivers on the turnpike for cutting you off. You look like a fool when your horn sounds like it belongs on a Power Wheels.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)If you ever meet an old prospector named Gus Chiggins – that’s C-h-i-g-g-i-n-s – just remember that Gus is really long-time character actor Josh McAdoo.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)Next time you’re at Gillette Stadium and want to wish Tom Brady a good season, telling him to “break a leg” may not be the best choice of words. Oh relax; he has more time to spend with Gisele, and he’s surely not complaining.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)If you’re expecting to find the big pun you’ve been waiting for, you’ll be disappointed. Instead of thinking of a pun, we’ve been hitting the dating scene. We’re not players; we just crush a lot.