“The Homosexual Agenda” – it is a phrase heard occasionally around campus and elsewhere. But what does it really mean? Does such a thing even exist? Is it something we should fear?

With these questions in my mind, I infiltrated the latest meeting of the Gay-Straight Coalition. For a super-secret organization, its security is quite lax. It met at 7:30 p.m. in the Devon Room of all places.

Fear gripped my heart, and I trembled while stepping through the door – a middle-aged woman was there, as were many Villanova students. They said that there would be pizza later. An overpowering sense of fear crushed my heart; what was this so-called “pizza” – was it some type of code for a bizarre unholy ritual involving animal sacrifices? There was no backing out now. Not after they had all seen me. I had to stay.

Soon the meeting was underway. They spoke strange words to each other in greeting. Words like, “Hello, how are you?” and “How was your summer?” Soon, it was time for the new initiates to be introduced to the returning veterans – and for the leaders to make their identities known to all who were unaware lest they speak out of turn.

Strangely, there was no turn order.

As the introductions were half-way done, the “pizza” arrived. Cheese, pepperoni and green bell peppers. Aha! I knew that they were plotting nefariously – why else would anyone order green bell peppers as a topping? My fears of it being a code were assuaged, though the fear I had for my manly virtue was still quite healthy.

I was offered food and drink and accepted. Terror. What if they spiked the sodas with something. I took a previously unopened Coke. There would be no drugging tonight.

As the food was slowly devoured by unmanicured hands attached to individuals attired in clothes like those worn by other Villanova students, a slip of paper was passed out. It had items for discussion on it. Perhaps this was the much-discussed “homosexual agenda.”

If it was, there is good news: We have nothing to fear from the “homosexual lobby.” First on the chopping block was Lindsey Lohan’s admission of her relationship with another woman. After many murmurs of “good for her'” – they apparently approved of her decision to reveal her love life in spite of the societal pressures against it – the evil lobbyists moved forward to the next item on the list.

Proposition 8: an amendment to ban marriage between people of the same gender in the state of California. They spoke of the Mormons who were sending money from Utah and invading neighborhoods in that state to canvass door-to-door for its passage. This made the plotters uncomfortable – they could not understand why a group they had never wronged would go to such lengths to stop them from gaining some form of legal equality.

Then came the next item.

Another celebrity, this time a man, who infiltrated Hollywood through the show “American Idol,” revealed himself as a traitor to the heterosexual race.

Clay Aiken had revealed his traitorous ways because he could not raise his newborn son – born of a surrogate mother – while living a lie. He had to be comfortable in his own skin.

This comfort-in-one’s-own-skin thing seemed to be a major issue for them. They wanted the right to have it for themselves. At last, I saw their real goal. It did not involve causing a massive wave of divorces – 51% of all marriages ending this way is not nearly a high enough figure.

It just involved feeling comfortable walking around the campus with their significant others without facing any more hatred than a straight couple would and maybe having some form of legal equality some day. Evil-doers, the lot of them.

——————-

Charles Myers is a junior political science, history and philosophy triple major from Elkins Park, Pa. He can be reached at [email protected].