Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)Since you were so bored over fall break, you spent five straight days watching YouTube videos. While it may have been fun, you will start to think your entire life is one video set on repeat.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)You got a new haircut. Your boys all got the same new haircut. Yeah your collar’s popped, ’cause you’re the man, and this weekend, everyone will know it. Let everyone see how jacked and tan you are, chief.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)You will adopt a British child and name him Charlie, hoping that someday he will bite your finger.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)You will be involved in a tragic treadmill accident this weekend. In the future, leave choreographed group routines involving moving machines to the professionals.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)When getting ready to make that presentation to your geography class this week, make sure to thoroughly prepare your speech – and don’t get coached by Miss South Carolina.

Aries (March 21-April 19)The stars have warned you multiple times before, but we’ll remind you again: Whatever you do, do not go to Candy Mountain.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)Holy Grounds does not serve an Israeli-Palestinian conflict muffin, so stop trying to order one.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)If you see any Russians standing around the Oreo, ask ’em what they’re doin’ there, and if they can’t give ya a good reason, tell ’em, “Shoo! Go back!”

Cancer (June 22-July 22)You’ll get in trouble in class for giggling through the lecture. But if your teacher knew how funny seeing a panda sneeze is, he’d probably laugh uncontrollably, too.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Unless you’re Rihanna or T.I., no one wants to hear you sing “Numa Numa” any more. And no one ever wanted to see your dance to the song.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)No matter how hard you work on it, your “Evolution of Walking” video will never top 100 million views.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)Leave Britney alone!