Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)This weekend, you’ll have a chance run-in with that local celebrity that you’ve always hoped to meet. But please try to contain your high-pitched shrieks of excitement. Celebrities have ear drums too.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)Fans of indifference get excited! (Or at least muster as much excitement as you can.) The word “meh” has officially been added to the dictionary!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)Forgetting to buy a pair of dress pants until two hours before your formal was just poor wardrobe planning.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)In order to find a ride home for Thanksgiving break, you’ll be forced to awkwardly ask that guy you kinda-sorta-maybe know from home. Just make sure you double check what his name is beforehand.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)Try attaching a message in a bottle to an enormous helium balloon and releasing it into the sky. Who knows – you might just get a response … or the bottle might come crashing down on someone’s head.

Aries (March 21-April 19)You’ll score extra points with your roommates by baking them delicious pumpkin bread. Right when they’re eating it and saying how thankful they are to have such a considerate roommate would be a good time to break the news that you broke the TV.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)Note to guys: Telling a girl you were injured in World War I isn’t exactly the best pickup line to use. Try to think of a better one by this weekend.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)The snooze button is no longer your friend. You two will not be on speaking terms for quite a while.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)You’ll trudge all the way from West Campus to South in a torrential downpour in order to work on a group project – only to realize that you left your part of the project back in your apartment. Hope you got your flu shot.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Think your college hoops dreams are over at this point? Don’t give up. Keep training, and you might just work yourself into a game at age 73.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)As funny as you think it would be to adopt a pet alligator and take it to the bar with you this weekend, it’s just not a good idea. When you’re in jail, who’s going to look after the alligator?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)Your family will become deeply concerned next week when your post-Thanksgiving meal nap turns into an all-day affair. They will call an ambulance, thinking your food coma has turned into an actual coma.