Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)Since the excessive number of squirrels on campus bothers you so much, you’ll head out to California to help the UC Davis researchers with their birth-control program for squirrels. No seriously – that program actually exists.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)Perhaps being a construction worker for Halloween wasn’t the greatest idea. Many people now think your ultimate dream is to become a member of The Village People.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)While the idea to be a police officer with very, very short shorts for Halloween was hilarious, your friends are still blinded by the whiteness of your legs.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)For your interview tomorrow, you’ll look absolutely dashing – perfect suit, polished look, styled hair. Now, if only you knew the name of the company you’re interviewing with.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)In order to become one with your surroundings, you will spend an hour today communing with nature … and by nature, we mean the TJ Maxx parking lot and the line at Starbucks.

Aries (March 21-April 19)You better keep a close eye on your piggy bank. Word on the street is that they’ve now become a hot commodity for burglars.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)Congratulations on winning the contest for best costume this past weekend! Now, if only you could remember where you left that cash prize …

Gemini (May 21-June 21)When voting on Tuesday, it probably wasn’t a smart choice to simply check off whichever name came first alphabetically. The stars have heard some ridiculous reasoning before, but that one might just take the cake.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)Feeling like you’re stuck in a rut with your daily routine? Try waking up early each morning and starting off your day by watching reruns of “Step By Step.” Your days will seem infinitely better – but you will have that theme song stuck in your head all day long.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Next year, when considering Halloween costumes, you should probably nix the idea of being a toilet paper dispenser. That outfit was just a bit too ridiculous.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)Perhaps it’s time to revisit your second-grade spelling lessons. Dish is not a three-letter word, and saying so out loud will just cause you massive embarrassment.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)Now that Halloween is over, maybe it’s time to bring that pumpkin inside. You’re basically just asking for someone to smash it all over your front porch.