Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Congratulations! You survived your birthday and are alive to celebrate another year. When the stars checked in on you last night, we put your chances at about 50/50.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Buy a dradle.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You will go on a Facebook friending binge at 3 a.m. Only to realize when you wake up that you don’t actually know any of those people.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You will go into hypovolaemic shock when you realize that this is the last issue of the semester and you will be without the stars’ guidance over break. But snap out of it – we’ll be back and better than ever on Jan. 22.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Waiting to think about your Secret Santa present until 10 minutes before the gift exchange is horrible planning. You’ll end up giving your friend leftover Halloween candy and a packet of sponges. Don’t expect a present from him next year.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You will come home after an 11-hour shift at work hoping for some peace and quiet, only to find that your living room has suddenly become the neighborhood hotspot, filled with people who won’t be letting you get to bed anytime soon.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Sorry to break the news to you, but despite all the times you hinted and pestered your parents, they will not be buying you a pony for Christmas.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Every time you address someone, preface it with “Yo!” You’ll be surprised how much more attention you’ll command.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

While having a graffiti party with your friends was great idea, you should have all probably confined your Sharpie designs to your clothing. That permanent aqua marker across your forehead is just not a good look.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

After falling down and suffering a concussion, for some inexplicable reason, you will only be able to speak in the form of rap lyrics.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

If you’re shorter than the average person, you should probably pass on wearing an elf costume to this weekend’s holiday party. People will start to believe you were actually born at the North Pole.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

After channeling the stars and passing on their wisdom to you for the past year and a half, this senior finally needs to pass on the torch and go into retirement. The stars say the weather in Palm Springs is nice this time of year – if only they had told me how to afford that.