Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Recover from your Valentine’s Day chocolate-coma; eat sugar-free for the next week.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Only a week (and a day) until spring break. Maybe you should start planning for that week of lounging around in a swimsuit … too bad it comes right after the candy holiday.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You should take on the task of liberating your building from all creepy outsiders as your personal crusade. You will most definitely succeed.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You cannot blame the stomach bug you had on Valentine’s Day on an allergy to commitment – your girlfriend will not accept that


Cancer (June 22-July 22)

The stars know you didn’t do anything last weekend. Make up for it this weekend.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Go find your own minions. The stars claim everyone in Dougherty right now.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Being super excited about the new play VST is doing is great. But you might want to double check when it’s playing before you wait in line for four hours to get a front-row seat – only to discover it opens tomorrow.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

It’s time to crack open your textbook. You should probably at least take it out of the shrink wrap before midterms.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Be careful. Getting lazy now may lead to consequences later on.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Start writing your memoirs now. It may be more readable if you only use bullet points. The stars suggest the title, “Never Make Promises at Happy Hour.”

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

On your next road trip, you may want to pack your own blanket. You never know when your friend will steal all the covers in the middle of the night.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

While procrastinating all those midterm projects, you should probably look up funny pictures from as many Will Ferrell movies as you can find.