♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Hoverboards are banned from campus. That’s a huge bummer because you got some of those sweet wheels for Christmas. Oh well, you now you’ll never have to walk from your bed to the bathroom ever again.  

♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

Despite your best intentions, your syllabus week level of productivityslowly creeps into the second week of the semester. Don’t worry, another episode of The Office starts in 15 seconds. YOU. DO. NOT. HAVE. TIME. TO. DO. YOUR. HOMEWORK. 

♒  Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

The luster of living with your best friends slowly wears off as you realize there isn’t any more toilet paper in the bathroom. Every man for himself.

♓ Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20) 

There is a great deal that can be found at the bottom of a cup of coffee. Laughs, friends, memories, and much, much more. Carve out time for a cup of joe. Or three, it’s up to you. 

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 20)

The kids from California break out the hard-core winter apocalypse while the Chicagonians walk around in shorts and a light wind breaker. Showoffs. 

♉ Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

After you’re done fighting with your roommates over the lack of toliet paper, sing Adele’s “Hello” and make up. All is forgiven. 

♊ Gemini (May 22 – June 22)

Your mother begins to miss you dearly. Prepare for enough baked goods to feed all of west campus. 

♋ Cancer (June 23 – July 23)

It is your destiny to appear on national TV. Attendance at all games is mandatory. 

♌ Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)

We both know the “family” sized bag of chips is marketing-speak for “personal” size. Don’t be discouraged, you earned it.

♍ Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

You’re developing a borderline dangerous chemical dependency on coffee. Right. On. Time.

♎ Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

CampCo welcomes you back to campus with a warm embrace. Even though you’ve been there for three days in a row, you can never have too much.

♏ Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) 

A blizzard is headed your way, so you must watch every single Star Wars movie. Twice. You’re welcome.