Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

When in doubt, always remember these

three words: Unitas, Veritas, Carnitas 

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)

So your parents are still annoyed  

about the hickeys you rocked during 

parents weekend. I have no advice for you. That’s really uncomfortable. 

Aries (March 21-April 20)

Start making an uncomfortable amount of eye contact with everyone you meet. 

Taurus (April 21-May 21)

You sing a lot on your Snapchat stories. Stop. 

Gemini (May 22- June 21)

You’re not having a great week, but hey, at least you don’t go to St. Joe’s. 

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Lean into discomfort, acknowledge the presence of your Tinder crush today. 

Leo (July 23-Aug 23)

Venus’ orbit is calling you to tell everyone you know that Nickelback will be at Hoops Mania this year. This is your destiny. Do not mess it up. 

Virgo (Aug 24- Sept 23)

Make it a goal to take better care of your skin. Your face isn’t Bartley; it won’t get a facelift every five years. 

Libra (Sept 24-Oct 23)

Be the curly fry in a world of straight-cut fries. 

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

There is more to life than the Main Line bars. Remember that. 

Sagittarius (Nov 23- Dec 21)

Y’all need Jesus. 

Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 20)

Harambe’s death was an inside job. Never forget.