Scorpio 

Your passive aggressive roommate will be passive aggressive this week.  

Sagittarius

I burnt my bagel to a crisp yesterday. Did I still smother it in cream cheese and choke it down? Of course I did. Never give up, even in the most helpless situations. 

Capricorn

You will see someone on the train next Tuesday and instantly fall in love with them. Oh wait, that’s just your reflection in the window, you narcissist.  

Aquarius

You will see a really good dog today. Ugh, lucky.  

Pisces

This nice weather is so nice we can almost forget about global warming.  

Aries

You will trip on the stairs on Wednesday. The large black tea you’ll be holding in your right hand will not make it. Prepare for this by buying two large black ice teas. 

Taurus

Looking to live out “caritas” this week? Use one of the extra meals from your unlimited plan to buy an upperclassman lunch.

Gemini

Still haven’t found a job, seniors? It’s time to cut your losses and invest in clown school.  

Cancer

Still haven’t found a job, clown school seniors? It’s time to cut your losses and marry rich. 

Leo

Why are we so quick to celebrate St. Thomas of Villanova? He didn’t even go here. Why isn’t it called Jim Croce Day of Service?  

Virgo

Admissions was definitely lying when they said we have students from Alaska. I mean, have you met any of them? Oh, you have? Okay. Nevermind.  

Libra

You will send a sloppy text to your ex on Friday. Prepare for this by taking a few rough drafts to the Writing Center.