The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. Don’t believe everything you read!
By the time our parents graduated college, they were engaged. They were ready to get married, buy a house and have kids. They had everything together.
We do not have everything together. We can’t make our own doctor’s appointments. We can’t talk to people in person. We can’t order food for ourselves without using an app.
We can’t order food for ourselves without an app. Gen Z cannot order food without using an app. You heard it here first; we are incapable of doing it.
But don’t worry. There’s no need to fret because our schools will make it so we never have to order food without an app ever again.
Villanova has taken it upon itself to offer a GrubHub ordering system for its Gen Z students who are incapable of speaking to people in person.
Last year, one could order themself a burrito bowl or a chicken parm sandwich at Café Nova, affectionately called Cova by the students, especially those of us who fell in love with the GrubHub system that was put in place there. This year, one can also order a latte and a muffin at Holy Grounds in the Connelly Center.
If we continue down the path we’re on, pretty soon there will not be a place on campus where we won’t be able to use an app to order ahead. Word on the street is that we’ll never have to talk to a barista again.
I’m pretty sure that the powers that be spoke to the world’s leading psychiatrists and decided that the best way to help the anxious overachievers at Villanova was to make sure they never had to interact with another human being ever again. And that is exactly how we ended up with my new favorite place on campus: the closed-off and soulless Conn Holy Grounds.
I might be in the minority of students who actually like this whole GrubHub thing, but I think I am just the only person who is willing to be honest here.
I can admit my faults, and I am about to admit to two pretty huge things here. Not only do I hate having to order something from someone behind a counter, but I also used to be that person behind the counter, and I hated that just as much. That’s right, I hate the whole concept of the food industry. It stresses me out. I can’t be a server or a customer. I am the epitome of a pathetic Gen Z freak who cannot talk to someone in person.
And that is exactly why I love GrubHub. And I love you, Villanova, for allowing me to utilize this wonderful app to order food and drinks on campus. Thank you.
Thank you, Villanova and GrubHub, because I truly would rather wait a whole hour to get my food instead of just walking up to a very nice worker and asking them for a sandwich.
Thank you, Villanova and GrubHub, because I do love carving out an entire chunk of my day just to get a coffee when I just as easily could have waited in a line to talk to a human being for at most five minutes.
But this isn’t just about me. It’s not even just about the students who can also use GrubHub because they’re too scared to say, “Can I have an iced caramel latte with oat milk please?”
This is also about the workers who get to benefit from this ordering system. They get to stand behind the glass windows in Cova or the little wall in Conn. They get to be in their little enclosures, and they only have to talk to each other.
They just have to make the hundreds of orders that come through on the app. They have to pile up the food and drinks that people order and forget to pick up. They have to meet a demand that is created by an app, despite only being human beings. But, hey, at least they don’t have to talk to customers.
Look, I get it. People just aren’t ready to admit that this is an easier lifestyle. But everyone knows that people born after the year 2000 are incapable of doing anything for themselves, let alone doing something without the help of the internet.
Why are we so ashamed to admit it? The school is giving us an out here. They’re doing us a kindness by taking away almost all of our human interaction. Let them help. Stop complaining. This is a good thing.
