Buzzkill: wait, there’s more!

Rob Wilbur

In my opinion, the best TV tends to be on between the hours of 1 and 4 a.m. While it is not always conventional, critically-acclaimed programming, the unexpected and often unintentional entertainment found this late at night is often on par with the best that “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad” have to offer. During this time frame, I have come across such classics as “Family Matters” reruns, as well as new favorites like “Bibleman.” If you have never come across “Bibleman,” do yourself a favor and search for it on YouTube — you will not be disappointed. However, the cream of the late-night crop is without a doubt found in infomercials. 

Esteemed Twitter philosopher Kanye West once tweeted that, “Limitation spawns innovation.” If West is correct in his musings, as he usually is, then I feel it is safe to say the masterminds behind late-night infomercial products must have the most formidable limitations of us all. 

I think we can all agree that pens are one of the most cumbersome and frustrating products we use on a daily basis. Getting a pen out of a pocket can be the pants equivalent of Russian Roulette. You may end up grabbing a pencil, pretzel stick, who knows. The problems don’t stop once it’s out, either. I can barely commit one thought to a piece of paper before my Bic is flying out of my hands, with the potential to roll underneath couches or trip up an elderly relative. I assumed there was nothing that could be done to cure this societal ill, until I was introduced to the “Magnescribe.” 

What Apple did for mp3 players, Magnescribe has done for ink-based writing utensils. The Magnescribe utilizes an engineer-designed lanyard and an industrial strength magnet to keep pens secured around one’s neck at all times. Now, the more fashion-conscious writers may be thinking to themselves, “Wait a second. Won’t I look slightly silly wearing a pen around my neck all day?” The Magnescribe people have responded to these qualms by adding an aesthetically pleasing chrome watch to the magnet, seamlessly blending style and punctuality. 

Infomercials have also served to create an entirely new industry: boob-discomfort products. For too long, women have had to endure hardships men could never imagine (except for pre-Subway diet Jared types). Sleeping on one’s side can be a disaster for many women, as their breasts clang together throughout the night. Luckily for those who are afflicted with this curse, the “Kush” has been produced for the masses. While you may assume that the Kush would be something you bring to a Cypress Hill concert, it is actually a rubber cylinder that a woman places between her assets to produce a more peaceful night’s sleep. The Kush is currently available at the more than reasonable price of $55. This may seem slightly steep to some, but keep in mind that you also receive an elegant silk carrying case for your Kush with each purchase. 

Unfortunately for women, the Kush cannot solve every breast-related issue during your day. Seatbelts may save lives, but they can also cause terrible discomfort and irritation in the chest area. Once again, the infomercial industry has come through with “The Tiddy Bear.” I am not making that name up. The Tiddy Bear is a small teddy bear that clicks onto a seatbelt, providing a pleasant cushion in between the belt and a woman’s cleavage. No longer will females need to choose between wearing revealing shirts and having a minor annoyance in the car. As a bonus, people outside of the car could potentially mistake the Tiddy Bear for a small animal fondling its owner, making it an excellent conversation piece. 

The moral of the story is, don’t immediately dismiss the idea of watching TV when it seems like nothing’s on. If you persevere and keep an open mind, you may discover things you never before thought possible. Take West’s sentiment to heart, and let your perceived limitations evolve into something as fantastic as a Tiddy Bear.