The following content is purely satirical. Don’t believe everything you read! 

Pennsylvania’s Most Famous Groundhog:

We started out the month very strong with Punxsutawney Phil confirming that an early spring was on its way. Unfortunately for Phil, the bitter cold that continued through this month is causing people to be very angry with his lies and deceit. As Punxsutawney Phil’s #1 fan, I will remind you all that he said spring was coming, not that it was happening now. Give him a minute. 

Awards Show Szn:

It is officially my favorite time of the year: awards show season. This is really the time when freaks who are overly obsessed with pop culture shine. I am one of those freaks, and I can confirm that I am thriving.

At the Grammys on Feb. 4, Taylor Swift became the first person to ever win Album of the Year four times. Upon winning a different award that night, she announced that she will be releasing a new album on April 14. Again, this really is a huge time for freaks. Check on your friends.

The Grammys also came with a lot of new beginnings for both stars and stans. Miley Cyrus’s incredibly toned arms has teenage girls around the world starting Pilates classes. It also has them realizing that Pilates is in the budget for Nepo baby Grammy winners and not them.

Beyonce sported a cowboy hat to signal her step into the world of country. Her new song “Texas Hold ‘Em” is now #1 on the Billboard Hot Country Songs chart. This makes her the first Black woman to have a song hold that spot. 

I might be the only person in the world who cares about the SAG Awards, but it really is my most anticipated awards show of the season. Airing at 8 p.m. on a Saturday night on Netflix this year isn’t really bringing in any more viewers, so I don’t think the show cares that I am its only fan, anyway. 

For the entire rest of society who did not spend their Saturday night watching, don’t worry, you didn’t miss anything. It’s just an awards show, and it had all the typical awards show things. Jeremy Allen White, Hannah Waddingham, jokes about Taylor Swift (even though she wasn’t there) and a beautiful and emotional montage that made me cry. You know, a typical awards show. I loved every second of it. 

Primaries, Conspiracies, Sneakers, Oh My: 

There are lots of very important and pressing issues that have come out of the 2024 U.S. Presidential Election so far. All of it is good, and none of it is troubling at all. 

According to some people, this election is rigged already, anyway, so why should we care? Since Taylor Swift won a Grammy and Travis Kelce won the Super Bowl, the liberal agenda is at large, and President Biden will be reelected for his second term. So, congrats to all three of them. 

On the Republican front, there are also some great things happening for former President Trump. He is staying booked and busy. Felonies, rallies and primaries. He’s doing it all. A real renaissance man. But, the life of politics and crime was not enough for him. This month, he decided he needed to up his game. His shoe game, more specifically. The former president released Trump Sneakers, the ugliest things I have ever seen in my entire life. If you haven’t seen them, don’t bother looking them up. They look exactly like you think they do.

Again, I am not at all concerned about the future of this country. This year’s election is off to a wonderful start. 

The First Coming of the Stingray Messiah: 

This is by far the most important piece of news to come out of February of 2024. Charlotte the Stingray, who lives in an all-female stingray enclosure in a North Carolina aquarium, is pregnant. Again, there are no male stingrays in there with her, but there are male sharks. There are only two possible conclusions that can be made here. Either Charlotte is going to give birth to the first-ever shark-stingray hybrid, or there was an immaculate conception, bringing forth a stingray messiah. I, personally, am voting for stingray Jesus. However, some people do not agree.

“I think it’s all a hoax,” freshman Samantha Whitehair said. “Maybe this is the first stingray hysterical pregnancy, like on Glee.”

I think she raised a very good point with that. So, Charlotte is either having a secret affair with a shark, or is the blessed mother of all stingrays, or is Glee character Will Schuester’s wife who is pretending to be pregnant. Whatever the case is, history is about to be made here, folks.