The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. Don’t believe everything you read!

I love Valentine’s Day. No, seriously, I do. I know you might be thinking that a satirical writer could never like Valentine’s Day. We are sarcastic and jaded and cynical. We could never enjoy such a happy, sappy holiday, right? Wrong. I love Valentine’s Day, and I am not going to apologize for it. Maybe after I subject you to my opinions on it (seeing as that is the entire point of this whole opinion article thing), you’ll love Valentine’s Day, too. 

First and foremost, there’s one wonderful thing about Valentine’s Day that I think most people can get behind: candy. I don’t need to sell you on candy, but there is just something special about Valentine’s Day candy. It is like Halloween, but you don’t have to pretend to be someone else. You get to eat candy while being your true, sad single self.  

Those stupid little hearts with the words on them are disgusting, and anyone who eats those should seek immediate help. Those aside, Valentine’s Day does have a lot of specialty candy that is worth the hype. Most important is Reese’s Hearts. I personally love the stretch from fall to spring where there are different Reese’s shapes. I don’t want to eat a regular peanut butter cup when I can have a pumpkin or egg. The hearts aren’t the superior shape by any means, but they are a small little thing that can get you through the cold winter. And if the only thing getting you through Feb. 14 is a piece of candy, you probably deserve the sweet treat. Who needs a significant other when you have peanut butter, right?

The next best thing about Valentine’s Day is the movies, obviously. Now, Valentine’s Day is an interesting holiday because the movies that you can watch for it are not actually about it. You can watch any romantic comedy and say it’s a Valentine’s Day movie. That extremely broadens your horizons. Now, you get to be sad and alone, watch any movie with Ryan Gosling and say you’re celebrating a holiday. 

There is, of course, the titular movie, Valentine’s Day. Watching that movie is my favorite annual tradition. There is something so special about watching not one, not two, but several couples fall in love from the comfort of your empty, empty bedroom. It is what the holiday is about in my opinion.

This year is extra special because it is my first one in college. That means that, in addition to watching Valentine’s Day and eating Reese’s hearts, I also get to referee an intramural basketball game and write a philosophy paper. I do not know about anyone else, but that sounds way more fun than the parties we used to have in elementary school. Who needs a paper Valentine’s Day card when you can write a paper about Plato?                  

Now, I know that this has been incredibly catered to my single readers. I will remind you that this is my article, and I can write whatever I want. However, I will, momentarily, open the conversation to the people the holiday is actually meant to celebrate: couples.

I do not hate couples. Seriously, I am not that jaded (yet). If you are lucky enough to be in a relationship this Feb. 14, I sincerely hope you have a wonderful day. To those of you who are freshmen still in your long-distance high school relationship, I wish you the best of luck with that. We’ll save you a seat at the singles table for next year. 

I also love the new trend of expecting your significant other, who is already literally your partner, to ask you to be their Valentine and then getting mad when they do not. I think this is a hilarious little joke, and I think that the girlies should keep that one up. It just makes things more fun for the rest of us. It shows that even couples can be miserable on this very special day. 

Not me, though. I am never miserable on Valentine’s Day. I seriously love it. It is just nice to have a whole holiday that simultaneously fills you with love and also the overwhelming fear that you are going to be alone forever. It is a good holiday for everyone: happy couples, people who hate love but love sugar and we grumpy satirical writers. With that in mind, I hope that everyone can go into this Valentine’s Day with a happier attitude, just like yours truly. Or be miserable, I don’t care. More Reese’s Hearts for me.