Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Congratulations, Aquarius, you are the only sign guaranteed to have a great Valentine’s Day, but that’s only because it’s your birthday.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)You will experience the most unusual date ever when you decide to go out on a whim this Valentine’s Day. Suffice it to say that the vending machines in Tolentine will take on a special meaning as you dine on those ready-to-eat pizzas, Pepsi products and potato chips for dessert.

Aries (March 21-April 19)If you are still debating whether or not to go out this year, don’t. It’s for the best, promise.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)Rekindling with an ex this year may seem like a good idea, but when he gets down on one knee with a little box, just bolt. The ring isn’t real, anyway.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)After being pursued for dates by countless “crazies,” it’s time to go for the gold … Cuervo Gold, that is (for 21-plus readers only, of course. For the rest of you, well, sorry).

Cancer (June 22-July 22)Be sure to tell your date that you are a vegetarian ahead of time. Otherwise, he will try to be sweet and order for you a dish that you are unaware contains meat. The results will not be pretty for either one of you, and you may ruin his shoes.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)You will discover your true love this week and elope to Las Vegas where you will be married by an Elvis impersonating justice of the peace.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)Your past Valentines have been less than stellar, so this year go all-out Mrs. Robinson-style and ask your land lady to go on a date.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)Although your Valentine’s Day may not be so hot, go to CVS early the next day for all of that delicious candy 50 percent off, and everything will suddenly seem better.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)Your hopes of finding true love this year are quashed after you find a Sweetheart that says, “Try again l8er.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)Your perfect match finally knocks on your door holding flowers and chocolate (or an Xbox, depending on your preference), walks in and says he or she cannot live without you. Then you wake up.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)Getting your wisdom teeth pulled on Valentine’s Day was a smart choice. At least you’ll be sedated.