Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) It’s coming: the grudge match of the century. You and your friends will engage in a six-and-a-half hour battle of Trivial Pursuit. Get ready!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) It’s never too early to start planning that Halloween costume. Consider banding your entire hall together to form a whole army of Smurfs.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The Red Sox-Yankees rivalry between you and your roommate will finally die down a little now that the series is over. Maybe in time you two will actually be back on speaking terms.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You will be overcome by an urge to speak in rhyme. You will start to do it all the time.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Make sure you study the SEPTA schedule carefully before heading into Philadelphia. Otherwise, you will end up getting on the wrong train … twice.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Your kitchen is now stacked after your parents’ visit this past weekend. Enjoy it while it lasts. A box of Ramen can only last so long.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Performing crazy hippy dances to Justin Timberlake music is OK in your room, but make sure you don’t do it in public. I’m just looking out for your reputation.

Aries (March 21-April 19) As much as your friend likes you, she does not want to read the three-page long sob story you’ve written. She is not Dr. Phil. Take your complaints to daytime TV.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Stay away from 60-year-old men wearing Hawaiian shirts and Speedos. It just won’t end well.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) A word of warning to all you top bunkers out there: careful while making your bed. Your roommate’s chair is not as sturdy as you think it is.

Cancer (Jun 22-July 22) First, you break the lamp. Next, you destroy your clock. Seriously, it’s time to childproof your apartment.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) You will have your first experience with hypnosis this week and end up giving CPR to a piece of fruit.