Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You will receive an enormous package from home this weekend. And you know what big presents mean – lots and lots of bubble wrap! Snapping those bubbles will be far more exciting than the actual present.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Painting your face blue for the basketball game was an excellent idea; however, that blue tint still remains almost a week later. Hope you don’t mind the nickname Smurf because that’s one that will most definitely stick.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Note to self: This weekend make sure to log off of Facebook before you pass out for the night. If not, your friends will have a lot of fun sending ridiculous messages to people you haven’t spoken to for years.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

When you and your friend get into an argument this weekend, attempting to strangle her should not be your first reaction. Maybe you should try to talk it out or something else less likely to get you sent to prison.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

We’re three weeks into classes now. Maybe you should actually go buy your books some time soon. Just a thought.

Cancer (Jun 22-July 22)

You, my friend, are the master of awkward situations. Your plan of attack: make them even more awkward. So when you run into that former hookup this weekend, you will soar to new heights of awkwardness by flashing him gang signs instead of the customary wave.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

When the people at the Chinese food restaurant can instantly recognize your phone number on the caller ID, it may be a sign that you order out too much.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You will spend three hours slaving in the kitchen to prepare the perfect meal, only to have your friends scarf it all down before you can taste even a single bite. You will be so infuriated that you will not be able to form a coherent sentence for at least a week.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching, so begin the search – not for a date, but for the biggest bag of chocolate you can find on the Main Line.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Spend some time bonding with your roommate this weekend. And no, IMing each other while sitting at the same desk does not count as bonding.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Switch things up a bit and refer to all of your friends by the names of characters from “Scrubs.”

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

When you sit next to that stranger on the bus, resist the temptation to tell him a false story, embellishing your life. You never know when your paths will cross again.