Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

It’s OK to be inspired by the football players on TV, but remember they’re wearing lots of pads. Playing like them with your friends on Mendel Field will probably result in a very sore group.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

When your professor tells you that putting the book under your pillow while you sleep will help you learn the material, he’s kidding. Following that advice will only result in a headache, a stiff neck and a failing grade.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Telling Public Safety that they are full of it is not the best option. If you think this is essential to your evening, don’t say the stars didn’t warn you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You see a Gatorade commercial and decide that “it” is in you. Find the closest leadership opportunity; it’s made for you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You know you should stop playing poker online when you need to sell your textbooks to pay off the losses.

Cancer (Jun 22-July 22)

When contemplating weekend activities, you may want to skip throwing that homemade bomb of Sprite and toilet bowl cleaner out the window. The attention it gets you will probably not be positive.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

If you are considering posing for a picture wearing a Speedo, think carefully; you may become “Speedo guy” for the rest of your life.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Never bet on irony. It is by definition the opposite of what you think. If you think it will come through for you, it won’t.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Frat parties are great, but if you can’t remember how you got there, it’s a bad sign for the rest of your night.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Remember to back up the files on your computer. When the hard drive dies and you need it replaced, you don’t want to have to bribe UNIT to retrieve them for you. You don’t really have time to bake them a cake or clean their rooms for a month.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Your friends do not want to watch you play video games for 10 straight hours – unless it’s Wii boxing (but that’s because they are making fun of you the whole time). If you want to see them, you should probably think of a group activity instead.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Your roommate will relegate you to the hallway to watch TV because of your negative energy. He will then reorganize the room to correct the feng shui of the apartment.