Taurus (April 20-May 20)Watch how close you stand to that dumpster. There’s a good chance it may instantaneously become engulfed in flames.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)Note to self: swallowing a whole spoonful of cinnamon – even if someone dares you – is a horrible idea. Side effects may include the inability to breathe for 10 minutes and uncontrollable coughing for the following week.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)While the stars would never encourage public urination, if you do so, make sure not to fall into the bush. It will only end in pain.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Begin preparing yourself for that two-and-a-half-hour in-class English exam by doing hand stretches now to avoid writer’s cramp later.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)Relieve the stress of final exams by bringing back your childhood – set up a kiddy pool in your kitchen.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)Last weekend, you walked all the way from South to Sheehan Beach, only to find that there was no Chipotle left. Now, anytime anyone mentions any sort of Mexican food bringing up the bad memory, you will burst into an unstoppable violent rage directed at anyone standing nearby.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)Remember how you swore to your roommate that you did not borrow her textbook and she spent $120 on a replacement? Well, in the process of packing up, you’ll find it in the corner of your closet. Looks like someone’s got some explaining to do.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)Carefully watch your steps at your next party. You don’t want to be known as “that guy who fell into the trash can.”

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)Buy yourself an inflatable kangaroo this summer. Not only will it make a great decoration for your apartment, you’ll never have to feel lonely when your roommates are away.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)Spend your procrastination time learning magic tricks. If this whole graduating-from-college thing doesn’t work out, you can always make it big as a magician in Vegas.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)When planning a party, make sure to start it early enough that it doesn’t go past your guests’ bed times. We’re not 16 anymore, so we clearly cannot stay up all night.

Aries (March 21-April 19)After this school year, the stars are extremely tired. Figure out your own destiny for once.