Satire: Jay Wright vs Jayhawks Preview


Courtesy of Olivia Pasquale/Villanovan Photography

Are you a real Wildcat fan? Here’s how to show it leading up to the Final Four.

Jackie Thomas, Co-Opinion Editor

It’s that special time of March, when four basketball schools from around the nation with the most skill, luck or spirit recognize the all-too-familiar smell of car fires in the air and sight of greased-up light poles across campus. That’s right, it’s (nearly) Final Four weekend.

Luckily for you, just as we at The Villanovan had you covered for your bracket predictions earlier this month, so too do we have your easy, stress-free guide to the weekend as a fan looking to get the most out of your experience here on campus while doing your part to ensure a Wildcat win. Look no further for your comprehensive Final Four agenda from now through Saturday.

There is much more to this week’s festivities than the games alone, so this to-do list begins well in advance of the anticipated ‘Nova-Kansas matchup on Saturday.

Ideally, you should have been practicing the relevant morning affirmations for weeks by this point, but, of course, it is better late than never. Assuming you’re starting from scratch, start beginning your mornings with pro-Wildcats affirmations in the mirror.

Ideas include: “All things are possible through Jay Wright who strengthens me,” “Villanova cannot lose in a swampy southern city” and “A miracle week-long recovery from a torn Achilles is absolutely, totally, completely possible.” Note, too, that it can’t hurt to keep your affirmations running mentally throughout the day.

Thursday evening, eat a hearty meal at Outback Steakhouse. Specifically, enjoy The Collin Gillespie Meal—complete with Aussie Cheese Fries, a bone-in New York strip steak, Steakhouse Mac and Cheese and a house salad (with ranch)—to maximize the Collin clout going into the weekend. The near-$50 cost is a small price to pay to prove yourself as a real fan.

Let’s move into Friday, perhaps better known as Final Four Game Eve. On this most hopeful, expectant day, square away your bets on the game. Keep in mind that taking bold risks is a known way to reap massive rewards, as well as manifest luck for the ‘Cats through sheer confidence. Thus, it’s a de facto requirement to go all-in with your life savings on a Villanova victory.

To up the risk (and reward) factor, spurn the transparent, quasi-responsible online sports betting platforms and bet through a sketchy bookie with questionable connections instead. Making this a possible life-or-death situation is a great way to ensure primo luck for the Wildcats as we approach the game.

The rest of your Friday should be dedicated to immersing yourself in New Orleanian culture from afar to get in the good graces of the game’s host city. Use your own creativity and discretion here—you could stage a Mardi-Gras-esque parade down Lancaster, raid the Pit kitchen and make enough beignets for the entire student body, put on a one-person jazz performance at the Oreo or stage a crawfish boil on the campus green.

By the logic of karma, putting out positive vibes toward New Orleans means that New Orleans will return them.

Now for the big day, which, in the interest of providing a disclaimer, will involve a fair amount of travel. On Saturday morning, rise at dawn and head down to Lawrence, Kansas (your means and mode of travel are up to you).

Once there, you have two tasks: boo on the court inside the empty Allen Fieldhouse, and find a student to remind them that, not only is their mascot an entirely un-intimidating bird, but an imaginary one at that. The agenda’s elements thus far have served to bolster the Wildcats’ luck enough. This little day-trip is to actively sabotage the luck and confidence of the Jayhawks.

With the Kansan foray complete, get back to ‘Nova, give University President Rev. Peter M. Donohue, O.S.A., Ph.D. a hug and head to the Finneran Pavilion for the game-watch. If (and only if) you have dutifully abided by this foolproof to-do list leading up to the game, a Villanova win is inevitable. Go ‘Cats, and get working on those affirmations.