SATIRE: What Team? Wildcats!


Courtesy of Olivia Pasquale

Collin Gillespie catches a whiff of wet dog.

Jackie Thomas and Bella Irwin

As the NCAA Men’s and Women’s Tournaments kick off this week, fanbases are abuzz with predictions. Fret not, Villanovans. Below are the only tournament predictions you need, rooted in the cold, hard facts.

Beginning with the men, the Villanova Wildcats are ready to conquer the Delaware Blue Hens in the first round of the tournament, because as we all know, cats eat birds. Delaware is a 15 seed, which is good for them, but also means their journey is inevitably coming to an end when matched against our higher seed of number two. With our superior mascot, school colors, talent, and coach, Villanova basketball cannot be stopped.

After the successful hunt of the Blue Hens, the ‘Cats will face either Ohio State or Loyola Chicago, which either way, is a largely irrelevant game in the face of how much better we are. Both located in the midwest, these teams are naturally mid. Too caught up in being mild-mannered and calling soda “pop,” the Buckeyes and the Ramblers won’t know what hit them when ‘Nova comes in hot with a heaping helping of northeastern bluntness. Easy Villanova win.

Unsurprisingly, then, Villanova will keep going all the way. When we face Tennessee, a team entirely composed of Volunteers, the vastly differing levels of skill will be a shock-prepare yourselves. But, we must remember our commitments to Caritas, Unitas, and Veritas and hold ourselves with dignity when we absolutely destroy them. Because as we all know, What team? Wildcats! What team? Wildcats!

As we grow closer and closer to our inevitable victory, our next face off is likely Arizona. Though we are finally playing a fellow wildcat, with a name like Wilbur, its future is almost certainly bleak. Ultimately, then, no matter who we meet in this elite round of the tournament, Will D. Cat and our other superstars will triumph over all.

The rest of the men’s tournament will be a blur ending in a fantastic victory—the championship game will be played in New Orleans, one of the party capitals of the world, and we all know the ‘Cats know how to party.

Let’s move, now, to the women’s tournament. The ‘Cats will face Brigham Young University on Saturday in the first round, a classic Catholic-Latter Day Saints showdown. Regardless of the Cougars’ potential athletic ability, they will be far too fatigued to stand a chance in the match-up, an inevitable result of a mostly caffeine-free lifestyle combined with inherited generational exhaustion from the early Mormons’ trek from the East to the Utah territory in the mid-1800s.

After an easy win versus BYU, the Wildcats will move on to play the University of Michigan. Now, this will be no walk in the park for the ‘Cats, because the Wolverines have built up impressive stamina from the bleak Ann Arbor winters. Don’t worry, though, because a ‘Cats victory is written in the stars.

No, really—the astrological signs’ implications of the two teams’ respective star players make a win inevitable. The Wolverines’ Naz Hillmon is an Aries, so her innate stubbornness and self-centered attitude will make teamwork nearly impossible. Meanwhile, Maddy Siegrist is a Gemini. As such, she is naturally adept at juggling many things at once (whether that be balls, plays or whatever else). What’s more, teamwork is in Siegrist’s blood, thanks to a life of compromising and working together between her twin selves as a Gemini. Again, ‘Cats vanquish.

In the Sweet Sixteen match-up, we expect Villanova to face the University of Hawaii (none of the teams they will have faced previously have a mascot that could come close to the beauty and strength of a Rainbow Warrior). However, the game will take place in Wichita, Kansas, and it’s a well-known fact that Hawaiians cannot fully function more than around 100 miles from the nearest ocean. Close to the geographical center of the US and over 1000 miles away from either the Atlantic or Pacific, the Rainbow Warriors won’t stand a chance.

From there, it’s just a hop, skip and a jump (or two more quick wins) for the Wildcats to make it to the National Championship. In the dramatic finale to a tournament to top all tournaments, the ‘Cats will face off against Mercer University Bears. Mercer, a 15-seed, will be fresh off a series of upsets (beginning with a stunning victory over the dominant UConn women’s team).

However, the Bears’ luck is due to run out in the championship game due to the most powerful force in sports: karma. After the Civil War, Mercer was the only university to award the infamous Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee an honorary degree, and that problematic history has been begging to catch up with the school. When else would the ghosts of 360,000 fallen Union soldiers choose to exact their revenge, if not in the middle of the 2022 NCAA Division I Women’s Basketball Championship?

Thus, the final women’s game will be one to remember, thanks to the ‘Cats’ athletic prowess and some help from true American patriotism.

Thanks to a combination of mascot supremacy, astrological strength, a history (relatively) devoid of controversy and the presence of greater skills and coaching, the victory of Villanova’s men and women’s basketball team in the NCAA is unavoidable- a win so certain that it’s embarrassing, almost.