Satire: A Starter-Pack Guide to Villanova’s Academics


Courtesy of Villanova University

Are you a Mendel-dweller? A VSB kid? Whatever your major, we’ve got your starter pack.

Jackie Thomas and Bella Irwin

Have you ever walked around campus wondering to yourself, “Hm…what is it that makes each major what it is?” Luckily for you, we here at The Villanovan have crafted starter packs for many of the most popular Villanova majors.

Beginning with one of our most recognizable groups of students, let us first consider those that spend their days in Bartley Hall: the members of the Villanova School of Business. The first requirement in their starter pack is an exhaustive knowledge of “The Wolf of Wall Street,” from perfect memorization of the film’s lines to a die-hard defense of its cinematography.

A VSB student also needs a subscription to the Wall Street Journal (or at least to pick up a daily copy in Bartley)—bonus points if you never actually read it. Along the same lines, a financial calculator still in its wrapping is a must.

More aesthetically-speaking, those in the business school need their pristine LinkedIn profiles complete with all the right buzzwords. Think: “proactive,” “synergy” and “return on investment,” to name a few. Last but certainly not least, VSB kids need flip-flops on hand, preferably with a built-in bottle opener (the perfect day-to-night piece!).

Communication is another major visible on campus. A jaunt through Garey Hall, communication’s headquarters, will reveal no shortage of Aritzia SuperPuff or Golden Goose puffer jackets, cuffed jeans and trendy, customized sneakers—often high-tops, often Converse and often customized. Top it off with a knit beanie and you’re well on your way.

However, the communication majors’ starter pack reaches beyond fashion choices. VSB students may have their treasured LinkedIn, but those in the communication major have accounts on every social media app (perhaps even multiple) and perfectly-crafted aesthetics on each one.

Throw in a deep-seated identification with Carrie Bradshaw and some mild existential dread about one’s future career and salary for the optimal finishing touches.

Now for one of the most talkative majors of the bunch: political science. Poli sci majors have their first “I voted” sticker framed and preserved, along with an admirable collection of political decals gracing their laptop or water bottle.

In their free time, the typical political science student is rotating through binges of “The West Wing”, “Scandal”, “Parks and Recreation” and/or “House of Cards.”

The poli sci major also needs a pocket-copy of the US Constitution, the phrase “Well, actually…” ever-present on their tongue and news alerts turned on on their mobile device. Law school plans on the horizon are a given, and strong opinions are a must.

Turning toward the lovers of science, Mendel-dwellers (with majors in biology, chemistry, physics and the like), are hard-pressed to be found without their lab coats, goggles and TI calculators. Their mask-wearing technique is excellent, and the title “Woman in STEM” holds a special place in the hearts of the campus’s scientific women.

These Mendel-dwellers’ future plans include medical school, veterinary work or a life of research, looking forward to studying compounds and crunching numbers for years to come.

Moving on to our beloved nurses of Driscoll Hall, where a pair of slip-on clogs, the classic Villanova navy-blue parka and scrubs are all must-haves. These special women and men are the future of our healthcare system, sporting watches, glasses and all the accessories necessary for a successful man or woman of science.

With access to the Driscoll upgrade meal plan, nurses can enjoy a cup or coffee while they watch various members of Greek life take pictures in front of Driscoll’s very own grandiose staircase.

Our mechanical, electrical and chemical engineers are soon to capitalize off the upgrades to CEER, and experience similar architectural revamping that our beloved students of business and nursing enjoy, all other majors aside.

The typical engineer rocks a mean pair of Asics sneakers and blue light glasses, with a Red Bull or Monster always in hand. A classic zip up hoodie, an appreciation for Star Wars and an active will to live in the face of monotonous, mountainous amounts of work are imperative to the Villanova engineer.

Now for the English major, for those who love the literary arts, a journal and pencil is necessary at all times, because who knows when an idea for the next Great American Novel will strike.

With a love for poetry and an appreciation for all things outdoors, an English major always sports a well-broken-in pair of docs, reading glasses, and a Patagonia jacket. They often wear a classic cropped-legging, whether it be lulu or not, a lovely graphic t-shirt, or on a dressier day, a pair of straight-legged jeans and knit sweater.

We hope this answers any and all of your questions. If you are still weighing your major options or considering a transfer, take these starter packs to heart.