To the Editor,

Let’s start small and get bigger. Douglas Petock has not yet been admitted as a practicing agent before the USPTO yet — only passed the patent bar. Mention of the fact that the ultimate crew on campus could succeed if only [the writer] would have the courage to lead them on was not made as necessary. What’s the deal with the stupid pictures? Couldn’t you get any good action pictures like The Villanova Times did off of Facebook? Perhaps most importantly, there was no mention of the G.U.S. paddling out into the greatest Nor’easter of 2009 alongside Obi Wing on a surfboard off the coast of Ocean City was made as was the deal for the article. No mention of other great Jedi of old: Edward the Great, Morgan the Punisher, Schoville, Poppy, Taco or Tenesco the Great was made. No mention of any of the great rebel leaders such as Phatush, Zenaku, Sara Conners, Chockolate Lemon Tort, Frodo, Woopie, Daredevil, Vassillio, Data or the rest was made. 

Let’s get to it: What in the chicken, a red lightsaber [on the cover]? There are three possibilities as to why: the writer has no idea of the sith connotations of a red lightsaber; it is a rhetorical statement that without Obi Wing on his field, the sith are running free and have taken Obi’s field or you imply that Obi Wing is of such a persuasion. If it is of such the case, I must lump you in with enemies. In that case, I’m going to show these people what you enemies don’t want them to see. I’m going to show them a world — a world without rules or controls, without borders or boundaries, a world where anything is possible.

 

Exelciorilly,

Douglas “Obi Wing MacGyver the Ranger Odeseus Rouge 5” Petock

Every Thursday for the past three years I have been awaking at the crack of dawn, donning my bathrobe and slippers and heading into the lobby of my dorm to await the delivery of a freshly minted stack of The Villanovan. At around 6:30 a.m., an attractive young lady arrives and delivers the product she worked so hard to perfect into the outside world. After thanking her and exchanging a few pleasantries I head back to my room, coffee mug and paper in hand, ready to enjoy the weekly bliss that is reading The Villanovan with breakfast.

As I pour myself a glass of orange juice and pop a couple of slices of bread into the toaster, I thumb through the first few pages. Of course I will go back and read these articles in full detail in just a short while, but my first priority lies elsewhere on this day. I pass up the Opinion and News sections, for they do not hold what I am looking for at this time. That’s when I stumble upon it: the Features section. I rifle through the section, hoping to chance upon one specific feature. “Did You Know,” Sudoku, Crossword, “No Dry Toast,” “Buzzkill” and “10 Questions” are all passed up, none of which are the object of my desire. Suddenly, I hit the Entertainment section and discover the sad reality: I will have to survive one more week on nothing but the hope that The Villanovan horoscopes will one day return.

Until recently my favorite part of the week was sitting at the breakfast table Thursday mornings and musing over what events will befall both myself and my friends during the following week, as foretold by The Villanovan staff crystal ball, which I assume is now sitting in The Villanovan office collecting dust on a shelf next to the media kickball championship trophy. It was so helpful knowing whether I would be waking up under a mattress or stabbing someone with a permanent marker in the upcoming week before it actually happened. At the very least it allowed me to prepare an alibi beforehand. But alas, no longer will this fortune-telling witchcraft grace my Thursday mornings, and never again will I benefit from the knowledge of predetermined events in my life.

I suppose what I am trying to do is plead to have the horoscopes reinstated into The Villanovan. I know for a fact that I am by far not the only person affected by the tragic removal of the feature, and every Thursday morning hundreds of hearts are broken as students across campus rifle through the paper only to discover that the horoscopes have yet to make a comeback. At the very least I am asking for a one-time revival of the feature, with every horoscope saying, “You will be disappointed at the lack of horoscopes next week.” However, a large majority of the students on this campus and I would love nothing more than a full revival of the weekly horoscopes.

 

Sincerely,

Bobby DeLorenzo, Junior